Will my wife understand?
Chandigarh-based practising psychologist Rajshree Sarda, attempts playing your sounding board in this weekly column.
Q. I want to take a vacation of solitude. No big thing, right? Except I?ve been married for 15 years and I know that the minute I tell my wife, she will insist that I?m having an affair. I?ve thought about telling her that I?m going with a bunch of guys just so she won?t go hyper. I just need to get away from her and our kids for a while. I want time to think and reconnect with myself. Is there a way to explain this to her so she can be supportive, not threatened? ARJUN A. Don?t lie. Postponing the truth just contaminates your marriage. The resulting environment is ripe for more betrayal. That?s not the kind of relationship you want with anyone, especially someone that you experience daily and have promised to spend the remainder of your days with. Besides, then you would be on holiday with a nasty argument revolving in your brain. Try this: read about the benefits of sabbaticals and research retreat centres. Then talk to your wife about your desire for a time-out for a contemplative retreat (time to think and reconnect). You might help her plan a similar restorative trip or arrange for an additional trip together. Q. My seven-month relationship recently ended. I told my boyfriend that I loved him and he advised me that the feeling was not mutual. He insisted that he was happy with things the way they were and that he cared for me, but he was not in love. He felt it was unfair to both of us to continue and said we should go out and meet other people. If what he says is true then why is the relationship over? SAKSHI A. He was most likely dating other people all along - looking for Ms. Right while he spent enjoyable time with you. The relationship is over because he has enough respect for you not to lead you on to think he might some day change and start to love you back. He is neither able nor willing to give you what you want - commitment and love. Your relationship was what is referred to as ?kicking it? with no emotional involvement on his part. I admire his style and upfront honesty. You should appreciate that the man was real and told you with no games what was up. I wish more guys would have the courage to do that and treat women with respect. I also wish that the women they share their truths with would accept the gift of honesty without being angry or resentful that they didn?t get what they wanted. Q. I recently discovered that my husband has been downloading pornography. I thought we had a really good relationship. He says he is happy with me But I keep wondering why he would do this if he was really satisfied with me. Am I making a big deal out of nothing, like he says I am? I feel like he?s had an affair and I?ve been betrayed. Sometimes I want to yell and scream at him for doing this to us, but I don?t think that will help. He already feels bad enough. Where do we go from here? SARIKAA. Pornography - like any obsessions with sex - can be addictive. Even in a good relationship, people (especially, it seems, men) enjoy a little variety to spice up their sex lives. Rather than get that variety outside the relationship, some prefer fantasy, movies, etc. Have the two of you discussed what motivates his desire for pornography? Is it stress, desire for variety, curiosity, personal dissatisfaction, feelings of inadequacy, communication without judgment are urgently needed here. You say he feels ?bad enough already? and sometimes he says ?is no big deal? - so why does he feel bad? Is it because he got caught, because you?re angry, or that he really feels guilty because he feels he betrayed you? I can understand and empathise with your feelings of being betrayed. This is a time for some marital therapy? Let me know how you do. And if you give me more specific information to above questions, I could be of more help. Chandigarh-based practising psychologist Rajshree Sarda, attempts playing your sounding board in this weekly column.Direct your queries to askrajshri@yahoo.com
