The Netflix film Aap Jaisa Koi, starring R Madhavan and directed by Vivek Soni, does more than tackle bias against the unwed. It also explores, rather interestingly, the challenges faced by women in the dating world today.
The story follows Shrirenu Tripathi, a middle-aged Sanskrit professor, who falls in love with Madhu Bose, a teacher of French.
Their seemingly traditional, serendipitous romance takes an unexpected turn when he learns that their “arranged-love” match was actually initiated by Bose after she found him on an app for lonely people. This unsettles Tripathi because he has already embraced the many ways in which her outlook is different from his. The idea that she used this app is, to him, a step too far.
The irony, of course, is that he was on the app too. Looking to connect with a woman.
Perhaps, as with so many men in the real world, he was hoping to find that one true pearl who would blush in horror at the idea of such a platform, plead with her brother not to make her go on this “date”, and eventually confess that she knew nothing about it all; some well-meaning friend must have signed her up.
Good lord, when we are going to grow up about this?
In the film, this confounding contradiction of a man on an app upset that the women he loves was on it too is explored with subtlety and nuance. In the real world, things can go far less smoothly.
I have had numerous woman clients complain that, even though many men are looking for long-term partners on these platforms, their first assumption is that any woman on a dating app is promiscuous. As a result, a man will often pop up in the chat window of a woman he barely knows, to ask if she is interested in having sex.
This can happen to a single woman user over and over in the same week.
Those who don’t start out with such questions often have other intrusive ones to pose on a first date. “Why are you on a dating app?” “How come you’re still single?” “How many ‘dates’ do you go on?”
These inquiries feel aggressive and insulting, women say. When this happens often enough, it can become difficult not to internalise a sense of being at-fault. Some start to justify themselves with answers like “A friend signed me up on the app” or “I’m actually a very traditional person”.
I generally offer a piece of advice at this point, and it is simply this: Stop it.
You have no chance of building the future you want with a man who treats women in this way. What you do have a chance of doing is shifting the narrative, at least a little.
I know it is unfair and no one should ask this of you, but you are the vanguards of a new phase in this struggle. Push back and it might be possible to force a certain kind of man to finally acknowledge the absurdity of what he is doing.
Do not hesitate. Do not explain. Simply demand answers to the questions you have been asked.
Perhaps on his next date, he will hesitate. Perhaps he will eventually ask himself why he treats potential partners in this way. At the very least, you will have activated a new filter for yourself: men who quickly shift to a more balanced, respectful conversation are the ones genuinely worth considering.
In the film, Bose challenges the absurdity and inherent double-standard that makes Tripathi so surly about how they found each other. In his case, he is willing to reflect, adapt and evolve. And what human hasn’t had some evolving to do?
Often, it happens in the face of an unmoving challenge. As with Tripathi, something goes terribly awry and you take a step back and think: “Well, clearly I did that wrong. Let me see if I can do better.” And you do.
It really can be that simple.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
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