I have a confession to make: Every December, I catch myself wondering if I’ve done enough to learn, grow, love. This year, the questions hit me harder than usual. Perhaps because, in late-middle-age, life seems more finite and, in some strange way, more profound.
Agony and ecstasy are reflected in Pablo Picasso’s The Three Dancers; 1925.
I am coming to terms with some things I really can’t afford to ignore any more. I share them here so that perhaps you can too.
* The inevitable orphanhood
We don’t like to admit it, but parents will age. Children will soon enough not need us like they used to. In my case, Dad died a few years ago. Now, between the teenage kids and an ageing Mum, I live in a world that is a daily reminder of how fleeting life is.
It’s a matter of time before home is just my wife and me. And then one of us will depart too. One can see this as morbid, or one can see it as a call to invest in the people we love — friends, colleagues, neighbours — so that when orphanhood eventually arrives, we have not ended up marooned. It is true that none of us is indispensable, but it is also true that we need each other more than we will often admit.
* Money can buy freedom
The Indian middle-class is so large and increasingly wealthy that we’ve built up a lot of strange arguments and philosophies around money: how we collect it, spend it, display it; how much we’ll admit we care about it.
The truth is, in our world, there is nothing that can get one out of a tight spot quite as easily. So my advice is, always have some “f***-you” money set aside, to get yourself out of a demeaning job or a toxic situation, or otherwise be your own rescuer. Simply put: Save. Not for the bigger house or oversized ego, but for peace of mind.
In late-middle-age, I am beginning to appreciate how money also allows one that ultimate luxury: the freedom to choose how one spends one’s finite time on this planet.
* Invest in your body
Last December, I gritted my teeth and marched into a gym. Ever since, I have indulged in rituals of sweat and soreness. And then something beautiful happened: the seemingly impossible became routine.
My annual check-up last month showed that I’d reversed nearly every worrying marker from a year ago. Seeing new muscle definition has been a nice ego boost, but this goes far beyond that. This is about cherishing the only body I will ever have. So, for anyone teetering on the edge of starting a fitness regimen, take this as the final push. Don’t wait for life to issue an ultimatum.
Whatever your age and stage, you’ll be amazed at how the body can rebound and thrive when shown consistent care.
* ‘Put the weights back’
At the gym, there is an unwritten rule: After you finish using the weights, you return them to the rack. It sounds trivial, but it’s really about honouring shared space and respecting the person who will use those weights next.
Through the day, I like to remind myself to metaphorically put the weights back. As US admiral William McRaven put it: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.”
Little, disciplined habits ripple outward. The smaller the act, the greater its power to shape character. Making the world a bit better can be as simple as taking responsibility for one’s actions — each and every one of them.
* Everyone is scarred
For the longest time, I measured my life against other people’s highlight reels. I have now seen enough of life to know that grief truly is universal. There really are no exceptions to loss, heartbreak, regret. Everyone carries a burden; some people just hide it more completely. Recognising this has made me more empathetic to others, and less restless in my own life. Which brings me to…
* Be grateful
Gratitude might be the single most powerful perspective-shifter. Reading this newspaper, you are already more fortunate than millions around the world. You have literacy, intelligence, access, free time. So many of our fellow humans live in conditions of hardship we cannot fathom.
So, chase the dreams, feel the big feelings; your struggles and sorrows are real too. But try not to take any of today for granted: not the food you eat, the roof overhead, the love of friends and family, or the privilege of enjoying a quiet moment of solace doing something you love.
(Charles Assisi can be reached on assisi@foundingfuel.com)
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