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HT Brunch Cover Story: Ambassadors of love
As Pride Month comes to a close, HT Brunch talks to parents who went on their own journey of acceptance and now exemplify what it means to be supportive
Most of our parents grew up following the time-honoured traditional cycle of school-college-work-marriage-babies. Nowadays, though, children have the freedom to explore and go further than before. They take the time to figure out what they really want to do with their lives. They also take the liberty to explore their own sexuality.
Both these things that children do can cause a glaring generation gap to rear its ugly side in any household. The latter, however, often turns a happy home into a house of horrors. Because, as strange as it may seem, a career as an influencer is actually a career. But a boy loving a boy and a girl loving a girl and a boy loving both or a girl wanting to be a boy? That’s. Just. Wrong.
When faced with their children’s sexualities, parents find it hard to come to terms with anything that is not heteronormative. Many of them abandon their children, send them for ‘conversion therapy’ or physically and emotionally abuse them for the rest of their lives.
In most traditional households, anyone seen not conforming to what is ‘normal’ is told to toe the line. A mother in her eighties, who is progressive when it comes to all things, happens to have the mouth of a sailor, a heart of gold, and a son who is out of the closet and married abroad; his partner and him have adopted two beautiful children, too. She took a good decade to admit out loud that her son was gay, and even longer to acknowledge the husband.
“It’s just a phase, eventually you’ll have to pick a side,” said a friend’s father, [name withheld, 62] when she came out as bisexual.
If we begin to get to the root of the matter, most people today—parents or otherwise—still don’t know the difference between sex, gender or sexuality. This is why children fear revealing sexual or gender identity to their families; the ignorance more often than not leads to confusion, dismissal, and worst, rejection.
Hope springs
On the other hand, a trans person in their 50s [they declined to comment for this story] who lives with their girlfriend had parents who were accepting of them, their lifestyle and their sexuality way back in the 1970s.
So, some parents do understand that love cannot and will not be restricted. Some accept their children for what they are right away. Others take a deep dive into concepts of sexuality and finally come to the conclusion that love is wider, broader, deeper than they ever thought. And still others not only plant themselves firmly in their child’s corner, but actively campaign for other parents to do the same.
These growing numbers of parents, who are taking the non-judgemental route, are willing to learn and want to be there for and support their children—no matter what—should be the new normal.
From not knowing the difference between gay and bi to smoothly asking questions about gender fluidity, today, HT Brunch turns the spotlight on a few of these parents, taking you on their journeys towards acceptance.
That’s my boy
Paras Tomar, actor-entrepreneur& Capt KRS Tomar, Merchant Navy
It’s not every day you speak with a Merchant Navy captain. And perhaps it is even rarer to speak with one who thoroughly enjoys making videos for social media. But 63-year-old Captain Tomar, or Papa Tomu as he is known online, and his son Paras, 35, do just that.
Actor and entrepreneur Paras is bisexual but never came out to his father about his sexuality; he just introduced him to his first official boyfriend. His father’s reaction? “He didn’t think that guy was hot enough,” laughs Paras.
“I already knew,” says Capt Tomar. “As he was growing up, his friends would come over, and I’d notice that he was maybe a little too friendly with boys,” he adds wryly. “I never asked him, he never told me, and to be honest, it wasn’t even really required.”
Out & about
There is no drama to this story, no tears, no suspense and no fights. Paras never needed to think twice, plan ahead or spend long nights agonising over how he would tell his father his truth.
“I never felt like I was doing something wrong, so why would I need to have a special conversation about it?” he questions.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing, though. “Because he’d once caught me making out with a girl when I was 15, my father used to keep telling me it [my bisexuality] is just a phase,” says Paras.
“Yes,” confirms Capt Tomar. “I thought he’d grow out of it. Now, I just feel it’s his life, let him do what he wants.”
Paras was only 16 when his mother passed away and Capt Tomar took sole responsibility for bringing him up. “Whatever Paras wants, I’m here to support him. I wanted him to join the Navy and he said no; I supported him there as well. The point is that it’s not a choice. I support him in every area,” he states firmly.
There were always relatives—well-meaning or otherwise—who gave them unsolicited advice. “People were telling me to get him married. I just said, he’s happy, I’m happy, why should I put any pressure on him? I don’t need support from friends or relatives.”
![Capt KRS Tomar says, “I never asked him [about his sexuality] he never told me, and to be honest, it wasn’t even really required.” Suit by Modartis; T-shirt and shoes by Zara. Shot by Shivangi Kulkarni](https://images.hindustantimes.com/img/2022/06/24/original/529e80ea-f3c1-11ec-bb9b-b9389131acd3_1656089310710.jpg "Capt KRS Tomar says, “I never asked him [about his sexuality] he never told me, and to be honest, it wasn’t even really required.” Suit by Modartis; T-shirt and shoes by Zara. Shot by Shivangi Kulkarni")
Whole lotta love
Online, Capt Tomar gets a lot of love for being such a great, fun parent who participates enthusiastically in the videos that Paras uploads. Paras reveals the flipside. “So many gay boys write to my father saying, ‘Uncle you’re so hot, you’re so sexy.’ And his response to them is ‘God bless you, beta.’ What a KLPD!”
Unfortunately the exception and not the norm, Capt Tomar is an accepting parent who concedes that his own parents (Paras’ late grandparents) would have never been as open to or accepting of Paras’ sexuality, but he has hope for future generations.
“Article 377 has been decriminalised now,” he says. “That itself is a sort of hint to parents: if our own Constitution accepts this, then why should you have trouble accepting this?”
A wonderful world
Yuvi Acharya, student & Satarupa Acharya, teacher
Yuvi Acharya, 18, like all the other children featured in Brunch today, is lucky enough to have a very supportive family. Before he came out to his mother three years ago, she already had an inkling.
“I wouldn’t say I didn’t have an idea at all, but I didn’t know for sure. My sister told me once, look, this could happen. So, I had some idea, but not totally,” says Satarupa Acharya, 42.
“I walked into the room and said ‘I’m bisexual,’” says Yuvi. “She asked, ‘What’s that?’ I said, ‘I like men and women.’ And she said, ‘Oh, so you want to f**k both of them?’” He laughs. “I was like, no, that’s not the whole point!”
While it wasn’t a shock, Satarupa, who is a teacher, still had to adjust to the idea. “My upbringing was such that I had no idea about these things. So, I’m still learning with him, educating myself, getting to know things,” she says.
Yuvi’s father. Dipankar Acharya is a slightly different story. “I still haven’t come out to my father. He just knows about my femininity, not my sexuality,” Yuvi hesitates. So, how does he feel now that he’s about to announce it in HT Brunch? “Err... let’s see,” he laughs.
Smooth sailing
For Satarupa, coming to terms with her son’s sexuality wasn’t very difficult. In fact, she’s already questioning her earlier, standard practices of thinking.
“Nature created us. So, the word ‘acceptance’ is wrong. People with different sexualities are already accepted; that’s why they’re here, na?” she asks, adding, “What is acceptance? We build society ourselves, so we can change it ourselves.”
She does concede that her journey wasn’t easy and is an ongoing one. “Initially I found it a little weird that he puts on make-up or that he’s dressing like a girl. But Yuvi educated me. I’m still learning, I ask him questions every day.”
A son like me
How did she deal with changing her expectation of what a traditional mother wants for her son, with regards to marriage and children? Her answer is as amusing as it is realistic. “I’m very okay with that. I’ll have two sons!” she says. “Ghar mein baithe bithaye aur ek ladka mil jaayega, toh isse accha kya ho sakta hai?” [I’ll get another son, what could be better than that?]
The one area they do have trouble? “Mera koi saaman mere paas nahi rehta hai! [I can’t keep anything!] Anything new I buy, I don’t find it the next day. Not just make-up, even all my jewellery is with him now,” she laments.
“It’s not only me!” counters Yuvi. “Even she steals my mascara!”
Girls like girls, like boys do
Sayantika Majumder, copywriter, Tapan Majumder, (retd) hotelier & Mohuya Majumder, teacher
Tapan Majumder, 60, and his wife Mohuya Majumder, 59, who live in Kolkata, are parents to 31-year-old Bangalore-based copywriter Sayantika Majumder, an only child, who is definitely proud out loud.
“Sayantika never came out to me directly, but I could guess,” says Tapan, a retired hotelier.
Sayantika explains, “I didn’t technically come out to my parents. I personally think the biggest coming out is coming out to yourself, because until you can truly accept who you are, it’s difficult to convince others.”
But in a way, she did come out to her mother. “Two of my friends had modelled for a picture; they were lesbians,” she says. My mom’s idea of a lesbian was someone who had short hair and dresses a little boyish. One girl in the picture had long hair; she wore dresses. Mom asked, ‘She’s a lesbian because she’s with this other girl?’ I said, ‘No, she just is. Whether she’s with her or not, she likes women.’ My mom looked at me and said, ‘So, you’re a lesbian. You like women.’ I was stumped for two seconds and then I just nodded.”
Research mode
Tapan went on his own journey of discovery, but it wasn’t without its own ups and downs. “Family members tried to make me and my wife understand that this is a mental issue, it can be treated,” he scoffs.
Luckily, he had already had some exposure. “The executive director at the organisation I used to work for was gay. He had hired from the LGBT community, conducted seminars, engaged his employees. I started interacting with people at work, asked them questions and then read up on the internet. I got my head clear that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this,” he shrugs.
He even did a deep dive into mythology. “If you take Brihannala or talk about Shikhandi, this is nothing new. Once I understood this, it wasn’t a big thing for me to understand it and accept it.”
Lessons learned
Like any parent would, Mohuya, a teacher, had questions and wasn’t afraid to ask her daughter. “At one point, she asked me, ‘I know what happens between a man and a woman, but what can two girls do except kiss?’ I was just like, ‘You don’t need to know this!’” says Sayantika.
Now, Tapan and his wife care only that their daughter is happy and settled with her long-time partner. Would they like to see them married? “Obviously yes,” says Tapan. “But in India we aren’t allowed to do that as of now.”
Maybe a destination wedding? “Ya, could be!”
Stand by me
Sanat Chadha, student & Daljeet Chadha, homemaker
It was during the first wave of the pandemic, in 2020, when now 18-year-old Sanat Chadha gathered the courage to tell his mother that he identifies as gay. As most Gen-Z’ers would relate, he did it over text. “He sat beside me and came out to me on a Whatsapp message,” says his mom Daljeet, 50, a homemaker.
There was only one thing that bothered Daljeet. “Sanat told me not to share it with his father, because he wanted to tell him himself,” she shares, explaining that she felt the need to talk it out and bottling things up is not her usual method of coping. Sanat did tell his father a few days later—also over text—but reveals that he took longer to come around than his mother did.
“The day I finally did speak to his father, I did cry,” admits Daljeet. “But he said, ‘it’s just an attitude, not a disease.’ That one line changed everything. Although he took his own sweet time to come around, to come to terms with all of this—that one phrase, I just felt at peace.”
Step by step
Together, the family is growing, and they do that by supporting each other, learning and expanding their views on what they may have once considered taboo.
“He wanted to wear a sari and that bothered me for a minute,” says Daljeet. “But then I just asked Sanat and he explained to me, ‘mumma, kapda ka koi gender nahi hota [clothes have no gender]. And then I thought about it. If he wants to wear a sari, then there is nothing wrong with it. Actually, he looks like me, na?”
The bigger hurdle for Sanat was to help his father unlearn things, step by step. “He was fine when I came out,” says Sanat. “Me dressing up, that affected him more than the fact that I’m gay. Like putting nails on, it really flustered him.”
There’s a bright shining, happy light at the end of the tunnel. “Yesterday was the first day I wore a dress and boots and wig and in full drag I went out with him,” says Sanat happily. “So, he’s come a long way.”
Future perfect
Now, Daljeet and her husband find it hard to wrap their heads around parents who may not be accepting of their children. “Sanat used to tell me about LGBTQ children whose parents used to beat them up. How could a parent even do something like this? I fail to understand,” exclaims Daljeet. It may be new to them, but she says that both she and her husband are learning and growing.
“I always wanted a daughter; even when I had my first son, I expected a daughter,” she muses. “I think in a way mujhe beti mil gayi hai,” she laughs. “He borrows my make-up. I think he has a lot more make-up than I have. But he wanted my saris. I always used to tell him, I have so many saris, I’ll give them to my daughter-in-law. Now, I think I was saving them for him only!”
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From HT Brunch, June 25, 2022
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