Listicle: Out of style, out of mind

Skirts: Flowy. Shorts: Comfy. Combine both into some kind of Bermuda hybrid and it’s plain ugly. There is a skirt flap in the front, but not at the back. The extra layers of fabric make it stuffy. It was created for functionality; female cyclists, who couldn’t wear trousers in the late 1890s, had to wear skorts. A century later, ’90s pop stars such as Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears wore skorts, bringing them unnecessarily into fashion. Kiara Advani and Kriti Sanon wear them almost all the time on film promotions and vacations. But why? Why?

Adults, stop trying to fit into baby clothes! Male NFL football players first wore them. Straight men termed them queer. Then they crawled into the women’s section. Madonna (obvs) loved them. She wore a mesh version in the music video of Lucky Star in the ’80 s. Then the aerobics gang loved it. Crop tops were everywhere. These half-shirts look good only on those with 0.05% or less body fat. Why buy half a top when one can get a whole shirt for the same price? We never want to see them again.

Call them Alice bands (from Alice in Wonderland). But don’t pick them up. Footballers such as David Beckham and Jack Grealish wore the stretchy ones to keep the greasy, sweaty hair from their faces. It’s now so common, nobody knows what to call this hair accessory any more. That zig-zag band? That hair thing? The migraine bringer-onner?

Remember when supermodel Naomi Campbell fell on the runway of the Vivienne Westwood Fall 1993 show? Blame the platforms. The style should have died then and there. Instead it rose (geddit?) in popularity. The Spice Girls wore them all through the ’90s. Ariana Grande sported them in the 2010s. Nobody learned their lesson. Women keep tripping over them. Save those ankles!

Originally worn by railroaders and miners, they became a high-fashion staple in the regrettable ’80s. Look at them. They’re unflattering even on a perfect mannequin. It is difficult to find the right onesie for any body type. And they’re a nightmare when one has to pee. It’s just a lot of fashion and a lot of work. Even Rihanna stopped wearing them once she had her baby.

Originating from Brigitte Bardot dresses from the ’50s and ’60s, this peek-a-boo style looks cheap on evening wear.But from workwear to wedding cholis, this trend was almost everywhere in the last five years. Everyone is still trying to figure out how to make the little patch of skin around the shoulder peeking from the top look sexy. On the plus side, it makes vaccinations a breeze.

So porno. So tacky. Rihanna has worn ones by the Off-White x Jimmy Choo collab. The Kardashian-Jenner clan loves this style. It just makes feet sweaty and triggers blisters. Closed-or-open-toed, the lack of breathability is reason enough to avoid them. Yet another big failure from the 2010s.

Skinny pants are a disaster already. Faux leather only makes it worse. They are not as stretchy or durable as the real thing. They don’t stay up. They make the butt jiggle. Kate Moss started wearing them on the red carpet in the ’90s. It wasn’t until the late 2010s that Jennifer Lopez and Dua Lipa squeezed into them too. No one knows how they got them off.

Look, the ’80s were odd. People wanted the whole disco on their shorts. Then, Tom Ford sent embellished denim down the runway at the 1999 Gucci show. Shorts today still have pearls, rhinestones and Swarovski crystals on them. It’s like an uncle who’s trying to be cool. Taylor Swift wore them recently on her Eras tour. She’s allowed. That’s it.

Oh, the 2010s! No one knew whether they wanted long or short skirts, so they just wore both. Donatella Versace wore a white corseted Versace dress with a ruffled high-low hem to the 2021 Met Gala. (Don’t worry, no one remembers.) It continues to confuse: It is too formal for the dance floor too casual for a formal event. Plus, it feels like a bum cape when the wind blows. Who asked for this?