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Sorry, but that’s not good enough: How to deal with an insincere apology
Sorry seems to be the hardest word. For those doing the apologising, at least. here’s how to deal with a gesture that’s less than sincere
Being wronged is bad enough. Hearing a half-baked apology is worse. Why be the bigger person, when you can be the same dignified size? Experts offer help with responding to a non-apology, holding people accountable, and telling someone what they did was not actually OK.
Simple start. Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist, life coach, and the founder of Gateway of Healing, suggests being straightforward: “Thank you for apologising. However, the matter remains unsolved. I am not ready to move forward until [particular condition/action] is met”. This reaction is gracious but no foolish. It indicates that additional work is required before forgiveness or reconciliation occurs. It also indicates that there is a clear victim, generalised contrition won’t work. In 2023, after Danny Masterson was convicted of raping two women in 2003, his That ’70s Show co-stars Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis knew they had to apologise for vouching for his character when the allegations first surfaced. “Our heart goes out to every single person who’s ever been a victim of sexual assault, sexual abuse, or rape,” they said in their Instagram video. It was a good move – an apology not only to the rape victims, but to countless women whose abuse stories are never believed.
Buy time. “You are not required to forgive someone if you are not ready. Your sentiments and limits matter too,” says Dr Tugnait. A good response is, “I accept your apology, but the consequences of your actions have caused me distress. I need time to contemplate before deciding how to proceed.” Or, “Your apology has been noted. However, I need more than mere words. I expect [particular action/change] to show genuine remorse and a desire to avoid it happening again.” Priyanka Kapoor, a psychotherapist in Mumbai who is also a life coach and motivational speaker says it’s best to also voice your discomfort. She recommends: “Thank you for taking responsibility for your actions. It is, however, difficult for me to develop trust immediately. I will come back once I am comfortable.” It is polite and fits most settings.
Level up. Whose who make weak apologies often believe the bare minimum is enough. Rope in an audience, if needed, Dr Tugnait suggests. “Thank you for apologising. Nonetheless, I feel it’s best that I involve [relevant authority/party] to identify the best course of action.” She says those recieving an apology are under no obligation to put forgiveness over their own well-being. Phrase it like this, she says, “I cannot accept your apology until we seriously discuss how we can rebuild trust and ensure this never happens again.”
Break it down. A general “I’m sorry” that does not acknowledge the specific hurt or impact it has made is tokenism. Explain why it falls short. “If an apology is made publicly for damage control or to clean up one’s image, don’t acknowledge it publicly,” says Dr Tugnait. “Wait for a private, sincere conversation.” In 2022, in an interview with Variety magazine, Kim Kardashian said, “I have the best advice for women in business: Get your f---ing a-- up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days.” It reeked of privilege. It backfired. Then, she appeared on Good Morning America and made it worse by saying her words were taken out of context. “Step 1 is to acknowledge the mistake,” says Dr Tugnait.
Look for the riders. “If the apology comes with excuses or justifications, it undermines the apology itself,” says Dr Tugnait. “Urge the person to be responsible for their words or actions.” In 2022, model Sumner Stroh accused singer Adam Levine of hitting on her while his wife, model Behati Prinsloo, was pregnant. His response was, “I did not have an affair, nevertheless, I crossed the line during a regrettable period in my life...”. This focus on the technicality sounded more smug than repentant. It only incensed his fans, and family further. “Do not use any inappropriate emojis or reactions to show resentment and anger,” Kapoor warns. “Remember, screenshots are forever.”
Call the shots. Forgiving is a personal process. Take as much time as necessary to come to terms with the circumstances and move past it. But aim to do that moving. Forgiveness is always better than living with resentment. “If you don’t want to go back to square one, letting go and staying away is also good enough,” Kapoor says.
They did it right. In 2022. Lizzo’s Special and Beyoncé’s Renaissance both used the word spaz in their songs, Grrrls and Heated respectively. The word used as a slur towards people with disabilities. Both artists addressed their mistake quickly. Lizzo’s apology appeared on Instagram in less than 48 hours. Beyoncé acknowledged it on social media. Both offered no excuses or justifications. Both committed to changing the lyrics. Both did. Because actions speak louder than words.
