Portland-based therapist shares 3 ways to sabotage dating life without knowing: wrong rebound, being untrue, and more

Some silent instincts prevent us from having a good dating experience. Jeff Guenther shares what they are and how we can watch out.

Dating life is not easy, at least that is the common perception. And according to Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, sometimes we are the ones responsible for it without even realising it.

It is important to pick the right person for us and not who we wish we were, states Jeff. (Pixabay)

Taking to Instagram on January 6, he shared three ways in which individuals sabotage their own dating experience by being oblivious to clear signals.

1. Picking the wrong rebound

After an individual ends a relationship and decides to get back out there once again, their main goal often becomes to simply not date the person who has just hurt them.

“You want so badly to avoid that specific negative qualities that you end up swinging the pendulum to the exact opposite extreme, forgetting that the polar opposite of a toxic trait can be just as dysfunctional,” observed Jeff.

For instance, if a person’s former partner was an overbearing micromanager, they might find someone so laid back that they have no ambition or initiative. This means that the person is not looking for a “healthy partner,” they are just dating a “reaction” to their last break-up, and it is best to stop.

2. Choosing a partner for the person one wishes they were

“You’re choosing people who fit into the life of the person you wish you were rather than the person you actually are,” cautioned Jeff, before elaborating with an example.

A person can choose to date someone who loves to go hiking at five in the morning and enjoys experimental jazz because they want to be more like that. However, in reality, they might like to sleep in and blast songs by Third Eye Blind, which is also quite alright.

Such relationships often fail as one person is exhausted from “performing a lifestyle” that does not actually fit them. “Stop looking for a partner to fix your identity instead of someone who actually likes your identity,” is the therapist’s advice.

3. Ignoring how your body reacts

One may choose to ignore how dating makes them physically feel. They may be anxious, dysregulated, and constantly second-guessing themselves, while still asking if their partner really likes them.

According to Jeff, the better question is, “Why does my nervous system hate this?” An individual can feel turned off or experience performance anxiety in bed, yet try to logic their way into staying together because their partner is “perfect on paper.”

This means they are treating their body’s boundaries like a “nuisance” that needs to be overcome instead of trusting the most honest feedback that they are ever going to get. “If your body is screaming no, stop trying to convince your brain to say yes,” stated Jeff.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.

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