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I am what I am

Did they lose me or did I lose them? What happened along the way? I think that all friendships have a fallout. Vikram Bhatt wonders.

sex and relationships Updated: Oct 27, 2008 17:11 IST

A while ago, I was having a conversation with my friend Dino Morea. We discussed friendships, male bonding and so many other things. I sighed and told him that I’ve been unlucky in friendship. Somehow, long-standing friendship has always eluded me. Dino smiled and asked me if at times I wondered if I knew how to keep friends? Was I unlucky with friendships or was I just not good at keeping friends?

A casual statement perhaps but one that hit home. The inevitable introspection that followed, circled around my friendships and the friends I’d loved and lost.

Explosive.. implosive
Did they lose me or did I lose them? What happened along the way? I think all friendships have a fallout. And I think this is not an exception but a rule.

Small fights, expectations and ambition all come in the way of what started out as the most innocent association in the world. But one word that kept coming to my mind is unforgiving.

It’s not how we deal with what happens after the fallout that decides the fate of our friendships but our personalities. There are two kinds of personalities that I know of in the realm of hurt management —they are explosive and implosive, or so some people who cared to study this stuff tell me.

The explosive sort shouts out their hurt and makes peace with the situation or not, depending on the case. The implosive kind are like me, who take the hurt to the private recesses of their minds, mull and brood over it, keep the pain close to their hearts and never let the person know about it.

The implosive kind are unforgiving, they just move away and abandon their friendships forever. Yes, I am unforgiving, I’ve realised. I carry every little wound close to my heart like a medal which will never be taken off. Now I know that’s the reason why I have lost many friends.

Perhaps, if I had another way of dealing with fallout in friendships, I would have been a ‘friend-rich’ guy. But I am what I am and I can’t change that. What I am at home is what I am at work. I am what I am with my friends too.

I love deeply and hurt quickly. That’s me. That is what makes me write this column. It makes me wonder about every aspect of life. And that is what makes me, me.

Oh, so lonely
But when you are unforgiving, you have to be ready to be lonely because there is no friend in the world who will not hurt you.. and there is no friendship that will not go through rough weather.

That is the character of friendship and what friendship is all about. This piece is for all implosive and unforgiving people like me.

This is to say that there’s nothing wrong with our friendship.. but there’s something wrong with us. Don’t ever say that you haven’t been unlucky in friendship. But just be aware of the fact that you have a problem with healing.

Email author: thinkingbhatt@gmail.com