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Freak Answers - Diwali Edition

Sequels are a great thing. Just ask Shri Uday Chopra if you don't believe me. He acted in DHOOM and was later seen in its sequel Dhoom 2. The Fake Jhunjhunwala writes...

brunch Updated: Nov 02, 2011 15:13 IST
Fake Jhunjhunwala
Fake Jhunjhunwala
Hindustan Times

Sequels are a great thing. Just ask Shri Uday Chopra if you don't believe me. He acted in DHOOM and was later seen in its sequel Dhoom 2. I shall emulate his example by sequelizing one of my own posts. A few weeks back I explained the art of giving freak answers to questions. Here is the sequel specifically designed to answering annoying questions about Diwali. Pataka Jalao Yaar!

Q: Hi! I am deeply concerned about the environment and I fear that bursting Diwali crackers will harm me. Can you please tell me what is the best way to avoid being affected by this pollution?
A: This question has 2 answers

Diwalia.) You should dig a huge hole. HUGE. So huge that it reaches right into the Earth's core and then bury yourself inside. This will ensure you from not being affected by cracker pollution no matter how bad it is.

b.) Contact Dr. Craig Murlipathak Kieswetter from Bhatinda City, Army Colony, behind Post Office, near State Bank of India Divisional Office. This person specializes in removal of lungs from a live person. You can opt for lung removal surgery which will make sure that you do not breathe in poisonous cracker smoke thus keeping you safe. In fact if you want Dr.Kieswetter will also perform eardrum removal surgery for a nominal fee. This will make sure even the noise does not bother you!

Q: I want to lose weight but I like Diwali sweets a lot. Is there any way I can lose weight but still eat Diwali sweets?
A: Yes, there is! You should go and stand outside ISRO or NASA Shuttle Launch Sites. Then when no one is looking, steal a spaceship and fly to the Moon. Since people weigh less on the Moon you can eat as many sweets as you desire on the moon.

Q: What happens if I mistakenly put a firecracker in my mouth and light a wheat cracker, thereby eating something that must be blown up and blowing up something that must be eaten?
A: You have to be careful while drinking water or any other liquids because this will fall out of the gaps or holes created in your face as a result of the firecracker bursting in your mouth.

Q: My boss is making me work on Diwali day. What should I do?
A: Your boss has disrespected the sacrosanctity of a national holiday. She/He must be arrested immediately, have charges filed and shipped off to Tihar Jail to await criminal prosecution.

The Fake Jhunjhunwala is the parody writer of the popular blog 'The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala'. He likes counting money. He is a big fan of Samosas, Ice Cream, Pav Bhaji, Pizza, Garlic Bread and Beer.

His hobbies include playing Super Mario, Stalking Hot Babes and Watching B-Grade films to intensively investigate any censor board violations. He also watches Cricket and worships Sachin Tendulkar as much as he worships himself. Read more from him at

He can also be found on twitter usually ranting about Uday Chopra, The Universe and everything in between at

(The views expressed by the author are personal)

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First Published: Oct 31, 2011 10:28 IST