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Humour: The trials and tribulations of the beauty salon-deprived soul
Self-grooming is one of the lockdown’s many challenges
Sachin Tendulkar giving himself a haircut and Kareena Kapoor offering a close-up view of a skin eruption: now we’ve seen it all. One of the many indignities that the lockdown has heaped on us is the insatiable need of celebs to spin “content” out of everyday life. Much of this behind-the-scenes material is so banal and/or glib that it makes me ache for the less disturbing superficiality of airport looks and fashion galas. It is also an inescapable fact that we ordinary mortals are as rattled by the removal of grooming salons from our routines as the Khans and the Jonases. In fact, I’m looking longingly at the salon outside my window as we speak.
The torments of the salon
Well, my reasons aren’t strictly appearance-related. As the poster girl for migraine, I tend to take things a bit far when the chemicals in the brain behave as coarsely as Virat Kohli at the fall of an Australian wicket. Like walking into the salon and asking the receptionist for the strongest man available. Now it’s obvious to me that I need a masseur, but often have I endured reprimanding looks over my licentious demands. For about 45 minutes, the excruciating pain of a hereditary and incurable disease (and let us just end the matter there, oh ye well-meaning health advisors) is thus alleviated. I’d take one massage over a hundred beauty treatments right now.
Usually, salons do the opposite of alleviate pain. The roster of their torments is long and well-known. The abject horror of having someone pierce your cuticles in the name of relaxation, for instance. Or the inhuman yanking off of hair using wax strips (which makes me want to join a group of committed anti-waxers). And then there’s the less brutal but very stressful threading process, which elicits facial contortions reminiscent of SRK’s early career.
From hipsters to hermits
I’ve recently seen social media posts “challenging” women to post pictures with untended eyebrows. Together with Sachin’s hair and Kareena’s zit, this was too much to take. Our relationship with our bodies is complicated at the best of times. But now, at a time of deprivation and isolation, the fault lines on our faces just won’t let us forget. Perhaps, when this is over, we’ll all have a healthier relationship with our mirrors. But until then, I’m sure there’ll be a TikTok video that shows us just how to shape those brows using nothing but a Madhuri Dixit song and good intentions.
If anything, it’s heartening to see the boys lose their grip, too. Scissors have been inching perilously close to locks. The hipster look has turned into the hermit look, bringing introspection in its wake. Facial foliage these days is a good barometer for gleaning how far over the edge the mighty have fallen.
DIY beauty
Of course, the masters of home remedies are laughing their way to the fridge. Cucumbers are being sliced equally for sandwiches as tired eyes. Hideous-tasting tonics for better skin are being invented in mixers, invariably featuring beetroot. And dried rose petals are being freed from the yellowing pages of old books to add fragrance to face packs. Ah, the pain of chasing pleasure.
If I’ve come across as supercilious and above the wiles of the beauty factory, let me now implicate myself. There is an unopened box of hair colour lying on the lower shelf of my bedside table. I’ve been trying to muster the courage to master its contents for days now. I dream of applying the cream with the chilling confidence of all those women in the movies who give themselves a hair makeover before they can chase murderers or kidnap criminals. My background music will be AC/DC. I’ve even chosen the perfectly cinematic shade – burgundy. And now for a TikTok video that explains how to achieve the feat without needing either a brush or even a moderate amount of skill.
Follow @rehana_munir on Twitter and Instagram
From HT Brunch, May 3, 2020
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