No quick-fix online solution for life

On so many days, it feels like everyone out there is trying to tell and sell the belief that doing this one thing or using this one product will change our life completely

We are living in a world where our inbox and social media posts are filled with advice and listicles like ‘Three things you can do to build a happy life’ or ‘These five qualities will change your life’. The advice is relentless, whether it’s about nutrition, money, parenting, mental health, relationships or work. It’s all over the digital space and no matter which social media application you use, someone in your social circle is talking about that one ‘magic cure’ or the one quality imbibing which will alter your life. The advice is focused on what you need to be doing or what you need to stop doing to drive home change.

HT Image

A 33-year-old female client in therapy tells me, “I’m just tired of the constant messaging online that seems say how easy it is to lead a peaceful and happy life. It’s not. Even if I build the three qualities of deep breathing, meditation and remaining fit, I’m still overwhelmed, agitated, and find myself helpless on so many days. The trouble is when you end up believing these posts, you constantly feel the pressure to do things and when things don’t work, you blame yourself. It’s exhausting, life is not simple, and I really wish people stop selling their life experiences or wisdom as the ultimate truth.”

This is an experience I hear from many clients who feel that this online advice is too simplistic and does not account for the uncertain and complex nature of life and relationships. The reality is that these posts and advice, are prescriptive and claim to offer solutions or cures to concerns without taking into account the nuances and the unique circumstances under which life plays out. As a psychotherapist, when I find my inbox with newsletters and posts continually telling me what to do or need to build, I find myself overwhelmed. On so many days, it feels like everyone out there is trying to tell and sell the belief that doing this one thing or using this one product will change our life completely.

What’s frustrating is that some of these narratives at their core seem to oversimplify the problems at hand and more so they create a false hope where it feels like with one simple step, or a few qualities are all it takes to bring about change. The process of making a change is a complex and long journey. A lot of skills like generosity in friendships, ability to engage in repair or remaining physically fit are protective and supportive skills, which allow for a certain ease in our life and relationships. At the same time, they aren’t a sure solution to life’s problems and while doing them can make your life better, it doesn’t magically change your life.

It also means acknowledging that we are choosing to build certain interpersonal skills, recognizing that others may not respond well to them. Often the posts forget to say this, leading to people feeling more lonely and in turn falling in to a slippery slope of blame and shame.

In the age of instant gratification, my worry is that these posts and articles are not emphasizing that learning to make a change or cultivating certain qualities or skills requires multiple steps. It begins with choosing to pause and spending a fair bit of time introspecting, observing and then possibly choosing if you need to make a change. So, introspection combined with intention becomes the second step. Thirdly, beginning to gather knowledge and information about where the change can help. For example, if you want to learn how to deal with conflict in relationships, engaging in repair behaviors early on helps. The fourth step is using this renewed understanding and figuring action steps and engaging in them over and over till the time one gets better at it. Finally, behaviours translate into habits, if we maintain them over time so while that is the final step, it’s a lifelong process.

So, when you read posts or advice claiming to change the direction of your life, remind yourself that it’s not a linear process and requires sustained habits and may not work at all times.