A deep, dark plot

A lot of very naïve people, who have no idea how the world really works, have said Banerjee is making ridiculous statements.
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Updated on May 26, 2012 11:11 PM IST
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West Bengal chief minister Mamata Banerjee alleged that CPI(M) was plotting with Maoists to kill her with the help of Pakistan's ISI and financed by North Korea, Venezuela and Hungary - PTI, May 23

A lot of very naïve people, who have no idea how the world really works, have said Banerjee is making ridiculous statements. To those folks, all I can say is, in Shakespeare's words, "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Shakespeare, in case you didn't know, is a corruption of Sheikh S Pir, Mughal India's greatest poet. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to open your eyes.

Why should a conspiracy by North Korea be such an odd thing? Everyone knows you can't trust them. They run one of the most paranoid regimes in history. Signing a death warrant would be child's play for Kim Jong-un.

Why would he target Banerjee? Plain, old-fashioned jealousy. He's green with envy that while Banerjee made it to Time magazine's list of most influential persons, he featured in their rogues' gallery. He has never forgiven her for that. Remember the recent North Korean missile launch that failed? Who do you think it was aimed at? At Banerjee, of course. You don't believe it? You'll be telling me next the guy sitting in the adjoining cubicle, that slob who got a bigger increment than I did, is not a shape-shifting alien reptile.

It is also eminently reasonable that Venezuela plays a big role in any plot to bump off Banerjee. Its boss Hugo Chavez hates America. Why is it so hard to believe he'll try and blow up Hillary's best friend? Do you know what Chavez told Manmohan Singh when he met him? He said, "Hello". Figure out what he meant by that and everything will be crystal clear.

What about Hungary then, you'll ask. Why on earth will anybody in that small European nation want to bump off an Indian chief minister? Ah, you probably have no idea about the violent nature of the people there. Well, here's some stuff I picked up from the internet on the French Revolution: "In July 1789, hungry mobs attacked the gates of Paris." And here are a few recent headlines: 'Hungry mobs stage riots in Nanking', 'Argentine police battle hungry mobs'. Ignore the minor irritant of these illiterates wrongly spelling Hungary as Hungry - what's important is that Hungary is obviously in the middle of every revolt. Their tentacles extend everywhere. And, as clinching evidence, here's the link I was looking for - a news report saying 'Zardari, Gilani are power-hungry'. See the Hungarian connection with the Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) now, exactly as Didi said?

This is what actually happened. The Venezuelans, famous for their beauty queens, sent them to the CPI(M), who made them read Lenin. This bored them so much they eloped with a Hungary mob. A hungry nuclear scientist, looking at them, said 'Wow'. This secret coded message was passed on by the Maoists to the ISI boss, who promptly lost it. To cover up his incompetence, he sent the false message 'Hey' to Kim Jong-un in exchange for a haircut in the Kim Jong-il style. Naturally, since the wrong code word was given, the missile strike failed miserably.

Sources tell me they'll be roping in the Illuminati next to do the job. But that fridge in the corner is giving me dirty looks. Could it be part of the vast conspiracy, in cahoots with the ceiling fan? Burn this column after reading.

(Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint. Views expressed by the author are personal.)

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Tuesday, October 19, 2021