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Helpful tips from the election agony uncle

Here are the answers to important questions I have been asked about the elections. Writes Manas Chakravarty.

columns Updated: May 24, 2014 21:15 IST

Here are the answers to important questions I have been asked about the elections:

Q: I have been inspired by Mr Modi’s spectacular win to aim for the prime ministership myself. If a humble tea-seller can become prime minister, why can’t I, a fish-buyer, become one too? Unfortunately, although I am a 20-year-old male, I do not yet have the rudiments of a beard. I am very worried, because I notice that both Narendra Modi and Manmohan Singh have beards. Is it possible to be prime minister without a beard?

A: You were very young during Mr Vajpayee’s time, so I don’t blame you for not remembering he was clean-shaven. Many other prime ministers, such as Jawaharlal Nehru or Rajiv Gandhi, did not have beards. Nor did Indira Gandhi. Yet it is possible the reason voters rejected Mr Vajpayee in 2004 was because he lacked facial hair. Under the circumstances, I would suggest a beard transplant, just to be on the safe side.

Q: I have been very impressed with Modiji’s stamina during the elections, jumping from rally to rally and criss-crossing the country. My husband lolls around on the couch every evening and every weekend watching TV. He doesn’t do any household chores. Could you tell me the secret of Mr Modi’s vitality? Is it an energy drink like Red Bull or something stronger? Or is it something Baba Ramdev cooks up for him?

A: Mr Modi is, unfortunately, a teetotaller, so the drink can’t be very strong. It could be Saffron Bull, perhaps, but definitely not red. From your description, the best course would be to poison your husband and get another one.

Q: Is it true that Mr Modi has a 56-inch chest? My size is a mere 34C and I read somewhere that even Dolly Parton’s was 40DD, nowhere near Modi’s size. Do you think I should go in for breast implants?

A: I am not an expert on the subject. Nevertheless, I am told the best method for developing the upper torso is to do chest exercises while chanting, “I must, I must/I must increase my bust.”

Q: My husband sleeps 10 hours every night, snoring loudly throughout. Is there any method by which he can be induced, like Mr Modi, to sleep a mere three hours a day? That way, I can get some rest.

A: Giving him lots of coffee can do the trick, but it can cause gas. Much depends on whether you prefer the snoring or the gas.

Q: I was having such a good time during the elections, because my husband used to happily spend all his time being an internet troll for Mr Modi. I could spend all day with my friends and children. But now that the elections are over, he hangs around moodily, interfering in the kitchen, shouting at the kids and irritating everybody. Could you suggest a way out?

A: These are classic election withdrawal symptoms. Handle him carefully so he doesn’t slip into post-election depression. Since his core competence lies in internet trolling, you could suggest he start work on the Maharashtra state election, just a few months away.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint

The views expressed by the author are personal