There’s only so much buffaloes Khan take
Buffalo Protection Force Commandant's letter to CM: "Immediately on filing of complaint, we launched Operation Triple B (Bring Back Buffalo) on a war footing. Our elite teams fanned out far and wide to retrieve said buffaloes... click to read the commandant's full letter.columns Updated: Feb 10, 2014 11:06 IST
For CM’s Eyes Only
With reference to the above, see our below:
Immediately on filing of complaint, we launched Operation Triple B (Bring Back Buffalo) on a war footing. Our elite teams fanned out far and wide to retrieve said buffaloes.
The operation faced initial obstacles because of the absence of buffalo dung. We had counted on a trail of buffalo dung leading us to our quarry. But we did not let absence of aforesaid dung become a setback and immediately adopted alternative strategy of getting sniffer dogs. Unfortunately, all sniffer dogs could sniff in buffalo shed was methane. And since UP countryside is full of methane, thanks to combined efforts of animals and people, sniffer dogs were clueless.
We then fell back on our next strategy, that of checking usual suspects. Ace sleuths were despatched to a Modi rally to see whether Honourable Minister’s buffaloes were in dishonourable company. Another posse was sent to Amethi. But the buffaloes sighted at the Modi rally were non-secular buffaloes, while only pseudo-secular buffaloes were found in Amethi. A similar exercise in Delhi resulted in the sighting of many anarchic buffaloes.
Stumped, we decided to put the matter to UP’s top private detective, Sher Lakh Om and his sidekick, Vat Sen. Reproduced below is the conversation:
Sher Lakh: I would like to draw your attention to the curious incident of the buffaloes in the night-time.
Vat Sen: What did the buffaloes do?
Sher Lakh: They did not moo.
Vat Sen: Do buffaloes moo?
Sher Lakh: Nor did they bellow. Surely, if they were being kidnapped, they would have let out a bellow or two? Note also the absence of dung. Were the buffaloes not eating?
DIG: Yes, they were off their food.
Sher Lakh: Look at this hoof mark. Observe how the right side is raised higher, indicating a nerve disorder. Notice also how the tracks criss-cross each other and we have here a group of buffaloes suffering from existential angst.
Vat Sen: Why?
Sher Lakh: Elementary, my dear Vat Sen. The buffaloes are victims of severe neurosis.
DIG: Were they scared? There are reports of Lalu visiting UP.
Sher Lakh: No, no, they were pining for something. Did Mr Khan spend quality time with them?
DIG: He was away on a world tour. There have been rumours of his lavishing attention on other, younger, buffaloes.
Sher Lakh: Ah, that’s it. They felt their master’s absence deeply. They felt ignored, neglected. That night, they could take it no more and ran away. Instruct your men to look around nearby for deeply dejected, depressed buffaloes, wandering disconsolately in bovine discontent. Next time when the minister goes on a world tour, make sure his buffaloes go with him.
And that was how we found the buffaloes. I have pro-actively formed an elite Buffalo Protection Force, with myself as head.
As Honourable Minister has confirmed, our honourable buffaloes have become more famous than Queen Victoria. This has led to two important conclusions: 1) Mamata Banerjee has offered to rename Victoria Memorial in Kolkata as Azam Buffalo Memorial, provided Mulayam-ji joins her federal front and 2) Victoria’s Secret brand managers have decided to rename their lingerie line Buffalo’s Secret.
Commandant, Buffalo Protection Force, UP
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
Views expressed by the author are personal