Today in New Delhi, India
Oct 17, 2018-Wednesday
New Delhi
  • Humidity
  • Wind

Keep the fat and the faith

Just write to Uncle Cy. And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

entertainment Updated: Apr 30, 2012 15:34 IST
Cyrus Broacha
Cyrus Broacha
Hindustan Times

I like a girl, but I don’t know if she likes me as well. Most people hate me because I am fat. But now I am improving my personality. Recently, someone told me of a guy who was fat but had three girlfriends. I think that girl likes me as a person but hates my chubby body. Her birthday is close. What should I gift her?
— Slim Shady

Slim Shady, I’m 92 kilos, and most people don’t like me, and I couldn’t be happier. Fat is no excuse for popularity. Let me give you a list of overweight people who did very well with the ladies. Luciano Pavaroti (really fat, 1,397 girlfriends), Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan (really fat, 875 girlfriends), Henry the VIII (really fat, 996 girlfriends), Cyrus B (fat, 11 girlfriends). And don’t lose weight for anybody else. Keep the fat and keep the faith.

I’ll turn 18 this June. I have been in a relationship with a guy for the last four years. Soon after I turn 18, I want to convince my parents about my marrying him. All his family members know about us and support our relationship. Being five years older than me, he would obviously want to marry me quickly. How should I convince my parents? Please help.
— Priya Jain

Priya, frankly you’re not yet 18. That means you can’t watch adult films. I feel 17.8 years is too young for marriage. He’s 23. Why can’t he find a girl five years older than himself? This is what I don’t understand about men. Why prey on young innocent minor girls? How about going for someone much older. When will that happen?

My suggestion is you continue dating him, but keep marriage plans on hold for a long, long time. Of course, sadly, I wish I had listened to my own advice but that is another story.

I am 33 and I have had a crush on a colleague for the last four years. Three years ago, I offered to marry her, but she refused, saying she is Kannada and I am Malayali. We have been friends since then. While coming to work, she always commutes with another colleague who is also my good friend. Last year she told me she’s getting married and to keep this news to myself. Recently, a third colleague saw her putting her hand on the shoulder of this friend of mine. When asked, she said she was feeling giddy. Last weekend, my colleagues again saw her talking to my friend in a corner, like a couple. When I again asked her, she gave me excuses. Now my friend has stopped talking to me. After the incident I’m feeling cheated and I don’t even eat properly. My mom and cousin’s wife know about this. Please help.
— Santosh

Santosh, there are too many people involved in your question. It’s made me feel giddy. And thanks to your question I’m on painkillers. Suffice to say, when a woman says she’s feeling giddy, it could mean many things, like for instance she’s mad over that particular boy and he makes her feel giddy. Madonna wrote about this in her song ‘Like a virgin...’ or was it ‘Papa don’t preach...’ I can’t quite remember. But let me assure you . Madonna used to make me feel giddy. In all probabilty, she likes this guy, so face up to it, and for God’s sake start eating or you will feel giddy.

I am 22. When I was 18, I proposed to a girl from my college. We’d known each other since we were 15 and were the best of friends. But she said it’s just attraction and that she does not love me. After that, we continued to be friends. We were friends on Facebook. I was fed up of just being her friend, so I deleted her from my Facebook account. This Valentines’s Day she sent me a request on Facebook again. I don’t understand what’s in her mind. Should I propose to her again?
— Jignesh Khant

Jigneshbhai, women aren’t exactly like us. They are different. For example they are said to have bigger belly buttons. And apparently they sometimes can just be friends. What’s your hurry? Don’t get into an awkward situation. First rekindle the friendship, learn more about her, get closer, get comfortable. For instance, if she talks freely about her belly button, then you can strike like a cobra.

First Published: Apr 30, 2012 14:15 IST