A Stitch in Time

Britain's servicemen and woman have been ordered to remember to put on underwear, tells Dr Saumya Balsari.

Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor . . . you know how it goes. Perhaps not everyone knows though, that Britain's servicemen and woman have been ordered to remember to put on underwear. We are puzzled - surely a reminder would not be deemed necessary? As sons and daughters, husbands and wives leave for work, we rush out waving their car keys or wallet, but do we ever ask, "Did you remember to put on…?" As they depart on holiday for Malaga, do we realise it's not just the taps and back door they've forgotten to check ofaf the list?

The new directive comes because of protests from an unexpected enemy that is not a far-away country: tailors. Tailors have discovered a lack of essential clothing as they measure personnel for new uniforms. They have complained about those members of the military who arrived for fittings for parade uniforms without camouflage.

A notice was therefore issued to members of the army, navy and air force in January. "Some of the contractors complained about the embarrassment that causes, not surprisingly, so instructions were issued to all three services just reminding personnel to dress appropriately and modestly," a spokesman reportedly said.

Why tailors alone, we ask - why not tattoo artistes? It is reassuring, therefore, to discover that there was no malice or sudden act of wilfulness against those who sew before they sleep. A senior officer was quoted as saying that he did not think sailors were flashing on purpose. He believed it had always been "the macho thing not to wear underpants". It was simply a case of "most have just forgotten when they go to the tailors."

Before you ask - the instruction is tailored to both male and female members of the military. "Tailors will take the names of any person not wearing underwear," said commander Douglas MacDonald (as quoted by the Sun). In other words, sleight of hand and timing are required for the tailor to briskly swap measure tape for pencil without warning.

Clearly a case of "one man's meat is another's poison". Some people might actually like to be tailors for sailors. Others, however, prefer happy endings. The spokesman added that since the note was issued in January 2005, they were not aware of any further complaints.

Tail(or)piece1: An Australian medical specialist has said that donated supplies such as breast implants that were sent to tsunami-devastated Banda Aceh, are inappropriate and will never be used. This must come as a blow and bad news to those who donated them with swift generosity in the time of need, responding instantly to the question: "How can I help?"

Tail(or)piece 2: According to newly released research, "Matthew" is a lucky name in Britain. Males of that name have won the most prize money so far this year in the monthly Premium Bonds draw. "Adam", "Daniel" and "Claire", followed as the next popular names. What happens when desis want to play the draw? Do they play as "Bill" and "Rob", or as Bharat and Rabinder? Can a Manohar ever be a "Matthew"?

(Saumya Balsari is the author of the comic novel 'The Cambridge Curry Club', and wrote a play for Kali Theatre Company's Futures last year. She has worked as a freelance journalist in London, and is currently writing a second novel.)