Helping people overcome shyness

SEVERAL STUDENTS who have impressed me with their understanding and mature views often come into the category of ?shy?. On the other hand, some others always willing to respond in class and who always had several witty remarks up their sleeve turn out to be average students. While the class love these ?smart? ones it is difficult for shy students to create a good rapport with others.

SEVERAL STUDENTS who have impressed me with their understanding and mature views often come into the category of ‘shy’. On the other hand, some others always willing to respond in class and who always had several witty remarks up their sleeve turn out to be average students. While the class love these ‘smart’ ones it is difficult for shy students to create a good rapport with others.

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Behaviours that came spontaneously for students - smiling, thinking of suitable conversational topics, assuming a relaxed posture, making good eye-contact, etc. are simply not an inherent part of shy students’ nature.

Another problem of shyness is that shy people may not know how to behave in certain situations. Some do not have the social skills necessary for keeping the machinery of human relationships functioning smoothly. They do not know how to start a conversation or ask for a raise or speak up in class.

It is not as if one chooses to be shy in social situation. There are usually strong reasons that predispose an individual to react in this way

Temperament
1 Withdrawn, avoidant, excessively emotionally reactive

2 Highly sensitive, when lacking adequate social support

3 Poor emotional ‘fit’ with family members or some environments

Stressful life events
1 Shaming experiences

2 Major moves from one school or city to another

3 Abrupt changes or disruptions in family life

Negative family interactions
1 Frequent parental criticism and shaming to enforce behavioural compliance, high parental control with little expressed warmth
2 Chaotic family interactions or neglect

Stressful work or school environments
1 Highly competitive, critical, or hostile environments

2 Public embarrassment for poor performance

3 Dominance behaviours rewarded, and bullying or teasing ignored or encouraged

Shyness Vs introversion
‘INTROVERSION’ IS also often used as a synonym for shyness. But there are important differences between the two personality types.

Introverts enjoy solitude, and may be perfectly happy by themselves, with no desire to form new relationships. Shy people, on the other hand, often desperately want to be closer to other people, but are afraid, or don’t know how.

Unlike introversion, shyness is hardly ever a preferred way of life, if you accept the definition of shyness as meaning ‘awkwardness in the company of others,’ because nobody likes to feel awkward. Few people could, or would want to, completely avoid being in the company of other people.

In short, introversion is when one prefers solitude. Shyness is when one is forced into it.

How can others help?

1 Maintain appropriate expectations while communicating empathy for the shy person’s painful emotions.

2 Encourage them to tell you about their daily experiences and how they feel about them.

3 Acknowledge the conflict between needs to belong and fears of rejection.

4 Role play challenging situations with the shy person.

5 Help shy individual set specific, manageable behavioural goals, and agreed upon reasonable means to attain them.

6 Help challenge frequent negative thoughts about self and others, and help them develop constructive alternatives.

7 Avoid negative labels and intense pressures for social performance.

8 Remember that shyness and social anxiety are common and universal experiences at all ages for most people.

(The author is a psychologist and a professor of psychology and social work at BSSS. He can be contacted at drvinaymishra@rediffmail.com)