E-Paper
Kasab chronicles
In a stunning U-turn, 26/11 accused Ajmal Kasab said today that he was under the impression he was acting in a movie, writes Manas Chakravarty.
Day 1: In a stunning U-turn, 26/11 accused Ajmal Kasab said today that he was under the impression he was acting in a movie. “I had come to Mumbai to get into Bollywood and imagine my surprise when, immediately after I got off the train at Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus on 26/11, a fellow thrust an AK-47 into my hand and said a movie was going on and I had been instantly chosen to play the part of a terrorist.”
He said he thought he was firing blanks. “I suspected something was wrong when I was hit by a bullet,” said Kasab, “but they assured me it was a mistake.” He added he thought the court proceedings too were part of the script and was horrified when he learnt the truth. On being questioned whether he thought the prison too was part of a movie set, he exclaimed “They told me my room was in the Taj Mahal hotel!”
Day 2: In a shocking volte-face today, Kasab claimed he was Osama bin Laden, but clarified that he never intended to attack India. “My plan was to travel by boat from Karachi to attack the US west coast,” he said. He added he was astonished when they reached what they thought was the United States so quickly, but put it down to strong ocean currents caused by global warming. He said he was also surprised by the poverty but attributed it to the economic crisis. He demanded that he be immediately deported to the US.
Day 3: Kasab completely surprised everybody today by claiming he was actually a woman called Kasabi. He said he was forced to attack Mumbai because he was head-over-heels in love with Lashkar-e-Tayyeba boss Hafiz Saeed. “Trapped in this violent man’s body is a very sensitive woman waiting to get out,” he pleaded. He requested the judge to allow a sex change operation.
Day 4: In a dramatic revelation, Kasab today said he was an alien from a planet that orbits the star Betelguese. “I, Kasabtrok and my friend Htork, whom you know as David Headley,” he said, “had come to Earth for a bit of sight-seeing. After dropping David off in the US, I was orbiting above Mumbai when the computer failed and I crashed into the sea.”
He said he had trouble breathing in the earth’s atmosphere, which is why he remembers nothing of how he came to be in prison. “See, judge, I can prove I’m an alien by flying like Superman,” said Kasab before leaping in the air, flapping his arms frantically and crashing to the ground. “This gravity is killing me” he gasped. On Kasab’s request, the Indian government is sending messages to Jabba the Hutt, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader to appear as witnesses for him!”
Day 5: Kasab today said he was actually from the future. He claimed his name was not Kasab but Kasabator and that he had come to the present to meet a friend of his called Terminator who was now the governor of California. “I first went to Los Angeles,” he said, “but had to leave because someone called Tiger Woods was stalking me.” He said that instead of going back to the future, he landed in Mumbai because of a portal malfunction.
He appealed to the judge to be sent back to the future because, he said, “Your time is too violent.”
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint.
The views expressed by the author are personal.
