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So which raid do you wanna go to tonight?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve found myself being enveloped in an aura of safety and virtue ever since our brave cops raided that party at Juhu and rescued hapless partygoers from the horror that is a Pitbull techno mix. Ashish Shakya writes.

india Updated: May 27, 2012 01:44 IST

I don’t know about you, but I’ve found myself being enveloped in an aura of safety and virtue ever since our brave cops raided that party at Juhu and rescued hapless partygoers from the horror that is a Pitbull techno mix. I can sleep well knowing that the people tasked with protecting us are worried about our health, even if it means sending us to prison — a really safe and clean place filled with about seventeen different kinds of AIDS.

At the time of writing, the cops were still trying to decode the Facebook invite that was sent out to guests so as to prove that the organisers intended to distribute drugs at the party. Here’s an excerpt from that invite:

“Lets rock this town — so get ready to get high. Please do not try to FLY. Because Flying is an illusion not a Reality, come with us and we’ll make you feel Gravity.”

I don’t get why that needs to be decoded in the first place. Clearly, that copy is not the work of a sober mind. It’s as if a first-year mass media student was smoking a joint and accidentally fell into a vat of bullshit. If you need further proof that drugs kill brain cells, just think of all the people who go to “raves” in the middle of the city. As far as subtlety goes, this is one step away from planting a giant neon bullseye on your building along with a sign that says, “THIS IS TOTALLY A DRUG-FREE ZONE. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE.”

So given the current state of affairs, it’s only right that I present a brief overview of the most commonly used urban drugs.

(LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If there are any minors reading this, do not try this stuff at home. Go to a friend’s place.)

First up, cocaine. It is a naturally occurring white powdery substance that grows inside the nostrils of rich people. It’s very powerful and an overdose may lead to serious medical conditions, such as ‘being found in a bathtub with a dead naked fat guy, which will make you so irresistible to women across India that they will participate in a televised swayamvar just to win the honour of being your punching bag for life.’

Then there’s LSD, aka acid, aka OHMYGOD YOUR FACE IS LEAKING RAINBOWS! It’s responsible for many terrible things, such as Scientology, and showing you the meaning of life, and then making you forget it. LSD is known to sometimes induce an out-of-body experience, allowing you to basically look at yourself from the outside. This is great for people who don’t have mirrors.

Another popular drug is MDMA, or Ecstasy. Its users are characterised by an emphatic passion for crappy music that they flail around to, in a dance form known as Energiser Bunny Having An Epileptic Fit. Think jagran, but with more topless Israeli dudes.

Then you have the most maligned members of the drug world, the innocent bystanders that got shot in the war on drugs, the marijuana family. Its users are characterised by their ability to not care about anything except food and a long, sweet nap. Pretty much like the average BMC official. The only terrible side effect of pot is that one guy who refuses to shut up about Pink Floyd. (Yes, it’s a great band and all, but I don’t want to hear about your stupid epiphany.)

If growing hash were an Olympic sport, India would Dhyan Chand the hell out of that tournament. So legalising it is the only patriotic thing to do. But this will never happen because drugs are bad, and they lead to death and happiness. Well, so do cigarettes. And alcohol, while awesome, has disastrous side effects such as liver cirrhosis, and waking up next to ugly people.

So clearly, these busts aren’t about the government trying to protect or reform you. If you’re an educated independent adult who can afford a habit, then I could not care less about you being “reformed”. It’s your choice, and you’re obviously ready to live with the effects, be it the compelling desire to drive across town for Chinese at 4 am or the need to shoot heroin straight into your eyeballs because all the veins in your body have collapsed. After all this, if you still want help, just walk into your nearest pub and our nice cops will give you a lift to Bhabha or Cooper hospital.

Ashish Shakya is a writer and a stand-up comic. He co-writes the TV satire, The Week That Wasn’t. Sometimes he’s even sober while doing so.

First Published: May 27, 2012 01:41 IST