Invisible Women by Ahilya Mehta: Women and the power of choice

Even if we are straight and cisgender, we must strive for a world that does not place heteronormativity above all else

India is a diverse country in all respects. Yet, heteronormativity is expected. I grew up in a conformist society, one that chastises you for choosing to be different. Heteronormativity was the popular option and belittling those who did not conform was encouraged. This caused a lack of diversity in thought.

Wellesley College, my alma mater, made me recognise how easily conformity blinds us. At the start of my first year, I assumed everyone identified with their assigned sex at birth. I knew that sexuality was not binary. However, I did not question people’s gender identities, because of my heteronormative bubble in India.

Wellesley College is one of the Seven Sisters. It was founded in 1870 with the purpose of furthering women’s higher education. Therefore, I assumed I was joining an all-women’s institution without factoring in people whose personal identities are different from their sex. I was blinded by my conformist ideas of gender identity.

The identity card

In hindsight, I wish I was more curious about, and sensitive to, different gender identities then. I wish my classmates and I were forced to discuss and normalise different identities. I wonder if someone’s story may have turned out differently.

I remember the first time a college senior explained why we needed to add our gender identity—he/she/they—alongside our name tags. I also remember having to be terribly apologetic in moments when I slipped up and misidentified someone. Needless to say, it took me time to adjust my thinking and recognise the value of distinguishing one’s gender and sex.

One memory stands out to me. I met a transgender man who underwent his transition while at Wellesley. A transgender man is someone whose birth sex was female but whose sense of personal identity and gender is male. Hearing him speak about his transition journey, starting with hormone therapy (testosterone), was awe-inspiring. I always imagined his transition being an incredibly difficult and vulnerable time. However, despite the therapy’s side effects, it was easy to tell how much more comfortable he began to feel in his new body.

These memories make me think about India and wonder if and when we will create such safe spaces for Indian women and men. I recall wondering, when hearing about my friend’s transition, how our society would react to someone identifying as other than their birth sex.

The meaning of gender

Fortunately, the freedom to explore and choose was ingrained in Wellesley College’s culture. This freedom encouraged the exploration of diversity. It helped so many of my close friends and classmates feel more comfortable in their bodies. Furthermore, as an institution that only accepted those whose assigned sex at birth was female, we were already at an advantage because we were far less influenced by the patriarchy. We were not bound by societal constraints unless, of course, we chose to be. The power to choose who you are was empowering and liberating.

I cannot deny the range of emotions witnessing my friends’ journeys caused me. There were definitely moments of discomfort. However, my initial shock turned into eventual acceptance, and ultimately, a genuine understanding of how important compassion is, even when we cannot empathise with another’s journey. I used to think that as a straight, cis woman I had little reason to think deeply about sex, sexuality, or gender. My best friend kindly reminded me that, for an effort to be successful, we need to strive towards a goal together. She reminded me that many cis women are extraordinary gender and feminist theorists, and that at some point, we all engage deeply in the meaning of gender because it is at the core of how we present ourselves to society.

Ahilya Mehta, 27, is an entrepreneur-in-residence at Nua, former co-founder of Aara Health, and has been in women’s wellness for three years.

From HT Brunch, December 17, 2022

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