Romance or regret? How to stay safe on a date

Let’s be honest: No one who’s put themselves on dating apps believes the old swipe-and-sort system is helpful. Perfectly articulate profiles turn out to be bumbling buffoons in person. Those seeking “my forever person” actually want a weekend hook-up. Some just want to talk crypto. Some are just looking for a free dinner. It’s hard to tell which is worse. “I was terrified to get onto dating apps,” says 37-year-old media professional Marilyn John. “I would think, What if my drink is spiked or I am kidnapped?” says Jyoti Parakh, 28, senior producer with a radio channel. For queer people, the threat is even more real. “Often, when a queer person arrives for a date, they could end up being robbed or sexually violated,” says 27-year-old queer activist Dharmesh, who goes only by his first name. “They’re also at risk of being blackmailed.” Here’s a checklist on how to date safe:

Look up the person’s social media handles. “I am on Facebook just to determine if the men I am planning to date are real. Checking LinkedIn helps as well,” says John. Also make sure the person has the same value systems and beliefs. Writer Pawan Mishra, 29, pays more attention to social media captions than the photographs. “If I see a smart play of words, there is a good chance that the person will appreciate my job,” he says.

Ankit Deegwal, 28, a podcast producer, doesn’t believe in social media. “It could be all fake,” he says. He prefers to speak with the person a couple of times before setting up a date. “So many cues can be picked up in conversation,” says John. If the person can’t talk on the phone after 8 or 9 pm, that’s a red flag. “He could be married, and that kind of complication is not for me,” she says.

Let the person know how the evening is going to end. “I usually tell my date that my curfew is 11 pm,” says Ami Budhdev, a 40-year-old experiential marketer. Dharmesh, who works with Allahabad-based queer support group RAQS, also advises being honest. “If there’s no chance of a hook up, clearly say so,” he says. “That avoids rude shocks.”

“It’s always better to meet where one can have a good conversation, which rules out a theatre,” says 26-year-old restaurateur Anushka Pathak. Also, being in a place where one has to interact with other people helps to figure out what kind of human being they are. Public places may not be the best option for closeted people though. “I advise making it a group thing, at least for a couple of dates,” says Dharmesh.

How a person avoids a question or changes the subject is often more telling than a rehearsed-sounding answer. “Dating with an agenda of finding a partner requires you to know everything about the opposite person,” says John. “If he or she won’t volunteer too many details, there might be something fishy there.”

For closeted people, Dharmesh suggests seeking help from a local queer NGO or support group. “Let them know where the date is happening and what time it might end,” he says. It’s a hack that works for straight dating too. Or give a trusted friend all the information. “That way, someone will know where to start looking if there is any problem,” says Parakh.

If the date is not going well, Parakh texts friends to call her. “I pretend that there is an emergency and walk out,” she says. Dharmesh advises people to tell their dates that they are out, even if they are not. “That leaves no room for any kind of blackmail,” he says.