Logging out of love: When you’re being dumped and you don’t even know it

If a person is no longer feeling seen, heard, understood, or empathised with, and instead feels neglected, ignored and invisible, it’s a clear sign that the other person in the relationship – a long-time friend, spouse, even a casual buddy – is starting to sign out, says Dr Arora.

“If a partner is more focussed on their perception of you, or goes overboard with gestures just to keep you in their life, that’s a clear sign that they will stop one day,” points out Dr Grover. So, figure out if the other person has simply run out of steam. Is the dissatisfaction with the relationship overall or is it specifically about the partner?

When petty conflicts escalate, when disagreements have no resolution, when there’s bullying instead of collaborative decision making, when time spent together is less and less, they point to one person switching off from the relationship rather than coming clean to repair it. “No amount of mind reading or intellectualising will help with the anticipatory anxiety of a heartbreak coming towards you,” warns Dr Arora.

It takes effort to make another person feel seen, heard, and validated. “Treat the situation with curiosity instead of contempt,” says Dr Arora. “Look inwards instead of blaming and shaming. It will go a long way in making the relationship safe and connected for both people.”

People with insecure attachment styles, with inconsistent (and at times absent) care-giving tend to be either too inclined towards intimacy or focussed on protecting themselves at the cost of intimacy “Heightened anxiety and hypervigilance about your partner being there or not there may not be about quitting, quiet or otherwise,” points out Dr Arora.

If the relationship is starting to feel more about one person, usually the other person, it’s time to have chat. “Chances are, they haven’t seen the situation from your perspective,” says Dr Arora. “They might also be fearful of being lonely and resist breaking up, since that will shatter their dream of being in love,” says Dr Arora.

Any intervention must be initiated gently. Are they facing any stresses, losses or difficult transitions personally at work or with family? Do they feel supported enough? Have their values in the relationship evolved over time? Has their way of expressing and accepting love changed? The same questions can also be used for self-reflection if you are the one feeling disconnected.

A breakup is a loss, even if the relationship was not an intimate one. So open up to the idea of grieving and mourning. Understand that the other person began disconnecting earlier and may thus be already on a different stage of coping. “Spare yourself from falling into an either-or trap: That it was all good then so it will be all bad now or vice versa,” says Dr Arora. “Honour your lived experience in the relationship. Remember, a breakup is not a rejection of you, it’s an outcome of a mismatched pairing or mismatched expectations.”