Here are some things not worth fighting over: With Love by Simran Mangharam

Emotional baggage, insecurity, other people - these are elements that should never be allowed to interfere with the bond you’ve built.

In a coaching session I had with a couple last week, the wife asked a very interesting question — what are the things not worth fighting over in a relationship? Though I do believe that clean fights can keep a power balance healthy and keep distance from forming within a relationship (a healthy fight shows you’re willing to engage, communicate, tend to your bond), there are some types of fights that are just not worth having and tend to cause more harm than good in the long run. Here are a few emotions I’d strongly advise against indulging:

As a test for whether something is worth fighting over, ask yourself: Given that we are two different people but on the same team, do I need to argue with my teammate over this, or can we work around it? (Shutterstock)

Insecurity: We all carry baggage from past experiences and unsuccessful relationships. Often, then, the fight you’re having isn’t even with your partner. It’s with someone who’s no longer in the room. Recognise that the person you are with is different. Turn the lens inward and introspect. Are you lashing out without cause? Is this a habit you can alter? This is one of those triggers you might need external help with. A friend of mine had an ex-boyfriend who cheated on her. The residual insecurity this caused led her to lash out at her husband every time he spoke to another woman at a social event. With the help of a counsellor, and plenty of patience on the husband’s part, they were able to overcome this challenge.

A sense of martyrdom: One person will always be the one making the holiday or weekend plans. The other may be the one always doing the grocery shopping or taking care of the taxes. When you feel put upon, it helps to step back and objectively evaluate whether the other person has been doing their bit. In a healthy relationship, you’ll find that they likely have been. You may still be tired, cranky or frustrated, and these are feelings you should express, but not with the whiny, “Why am I always the one doing this?” Instead, perhaps you could pour yourselves a glass of wine each and discuss how well you’ve been juggling all that you have on your plates. Turn a potential fight into a win-win.

Possessiveness over a partner’s time or mindspace: If your partner enjoys doing something you don’t enjoy, get over it. My cousin loves browsing and can spend hours making his way from aisle to aisle in libraries and bookstores. His wife used to get so upset and impatient. Until she recognised that after every such sojourn, he was calmer, more refreshed and more positive. Now she is the one who pushes him to go out and get his “library time”.

Dislike of relatives or friends: Ideally, no other person should be allowed to disrupt the relationship you and your partner have built. You should protect its sanctity with vigour. So don’t fight over whether or not you get along with every single relative and friend. We are each entitled to our opinions of other people, and it can be healthiest to agree to disagree on some. As long as civility is maintained when paths cross, everyone can go home happy, even if some of your loved ones never get the one you love.

These are just some of the most fundamental examples. We are dynamic beings in a world that’s becoming more complicated and, lately, more stressful too. So here’s a simple tip that you can use to decide whether something is worth fighting over. Say to yourself: We are two different people, but we’re on the same team. Do I need to argue with my teammate over this? Or can we work around it?

Chances are you’ll find that there’s a kind way to register dissatisfaction and reach some kind of accord on the issue. Of course there are some things you will feel that you are rightfully enraged about. In such cases, well, have at it (but politely and healthily — and with a view to finding a solution, not just making the other person feel bad).

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)