Is perfectionism hurting your love life, sex drive? Know surprising truth affecting romantic relationships

Struggling in your love life? A new study spills the beans on the toxic side of perfectionism that could be destroying your intimacy and passion in the bedroom.

We all know that perfectionism can be a double-edged sword as it can push us to achieve great things and can also leave us feeling anxious and overwhelmed but did you know that perfectionism might also be influencing your intimate relationships? A groundbreaking study published in The Journal of Sex Research explores how different types of perfectionism affect the sexual dynamics between couples, revealing some eye-opening findings.

If You’re a Perfectionist, Your Partner Might Be Secretly Suffering—Here’s Why.(Image by Pixabay)

The link between perfectionism and desire

According to the study, holding yourself to high personal standards, known as self-oriented perfectionism, can actually boost sexual desire for your partner. Individuals who strive for excellence in their personal lives also tend to maintain a strong romantic and intimate connection with their significant other.

This suggested that setting high expectations for oneself does not just drive professional and personal success, it can also fuel passion in a relationship however, not all perfectionism is beneficial. When people feel pressured by external expectations—what psychologists call socially-prescribed perfectionism—it can have damaging effects on their intimate lives.

Perfectionism: The idea of perfectionism can make us feel that the happy moment is not enough for us to feel happy yet. (Unsplash)

This type of perfectionism was linked to lower sexual function and higher sexual distress, meaning that individuals who feel they must meet impossibly high standards imposed by others are more likely to struggle with anxiety, frustration or dissatisfaction in their sexual relationships.

The pressure to be perfect can spill over to your partner

Perhaps even more striking is that these effects do not just impact the individual, they can also affect their partner. The study found that men who experienced high levels of socially-prescribed perfectionism had partners who reported higher levels of sexual distress.

This suggested that the pressure to be perfect does not just create internal turmoil; it can disrupt emotional and physical intimacy within a relationship. “Perfectionism has often been examined at the individual level, but it has social and interpersonal components that may significantly influence intimate and sexual life,” said study author Noémie Viens, a graduate student in clinical psychology at the Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières.

Beware of perfectionism: The relentless pursuit of perfection is correlated with higher anxiety and burnout. Aim for 'done' over perfect, focusing on learning opportunities rather than obsessing over flawlessness. (Freepik)

She explained that perfectionists often seek love and acceptance but paradoxically end up feeling disconnected from their partners due to the fear of failure and self-doubt.

Why some perfectionist traits don’t affect sexuality

Interestingly, the study found no significant connection between other-oriented perfectionism where one expects perfection from their partner and a partner’s sexual difficulties. While one might assume that placing high expectations on a partner would create anxiety and intimacy issues, the research suggests otherwise.

This raises intriguing questions about how emotional intimacy and communication might mediate the effects of perfectionism within a relationship. The researchers plan to explore this further in future studies.

What this means for couples

Understanding the nuances of perfectionism in relationships can help couples foster better communication and emotional connection. If you or your partner struggle with socially-prescribed perfectionism, acknowledging the pressures you feel from society or loved ones can be the first step in reducing stress and improving intimacy. Experts suggest that self-compassion, open dialogue and even therapy can help address these challenges.

The bigger picture

While this study provided valuable insights, it is important to note its limitations. The research focused on cohabiting couples, so the findings may not apply as directly to long-distance relationships or single individuals.

Additionally, the different dimensions of perfectionism often overlap, making it difficult to isolate their individual effects in real-life situations. Still, this research opens the door to deeper conversations about how our personal expectations—and the expectations placed on us—can shape our relationships in unexpected ways.

Whether you are a perfectionist yourself or in a relationship with one, understanding these dynamics can be the key to building a healthier and more satisfying romantic connection. So, the next time you catch yourself striving for perfection, take a step back and ask, “How is this affecting my relationship?”