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Why we need to talk to boys about rape

Jan 17, 2025 08:33 PM IST

The malaise of violence, including sexual violence against women and girls, cuts across geographic borders, age of victim, educational level, and income

In Kerala, India’s most developed and literate state, an 18-year-old Dalit athlete has revealed to social workers that she has been sexually abused since she was 13 by 64 men. Gang-raped five times in as many years, she says.

Activists from different non-government organisations walk in a rally with posters to mark the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, in Kolkata, India, Monday, Nov. 25, 2024. (AP Photo/Bikas Das) (AP) PREMIUM
Activists from different non-government organisations walk in a rally with posters to mark the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, in Kolkata, India, Monday, Nov. 25, 2024. (AP Photo/Bikas Das) (AP)

Let that sink in. At the time of writing, police in Pathanamthitta district have detained 42 people and 30-odd cases have registered. The girl is now in a shelter home, and I can only hope she is receiving the counselling and care she undoubtedly needs.

Who are these men? Their ages range between 17 and 47. Their names are Amal, Adarsh, Joji Mathew, Sivakumar, Aji, Aswin and others. They are the girl’s neighbours, her father’s friends and her sport coaches, according to BBC. The scale of the crime brings memories of another horror in southern France where Dominique Pelicot spent a decade drugging his wife of 40 years and inviting 70-odd men to rape her while she was comatose. Only three reportedly turned down the invitation. Not one reported to the police.

The malaise of violence, including sexual violence against women and girls, cuts across geographic borders, age of victim, educational level, and income. It is by far one of the worst epidemics of our times with one in three women globally subjected to some form of violence. In India, 86 rapes reported every day.

When a crime is horrific enough to jolt the “nation’s conscience”, legislators rush to come up with band-aid solutions. Last week, Tamil Nadu chief minister MK Stalin, under pressure from the Opposition following the sexual assault of a 19-year-old student at Anna engineering university, introduced two bills to increase the punishment for sexual offences. In West Bengal, where judgment on the R.G. Kar rape and murder of a doctor is expected this month, the Mamata Banerjee government cleared a bill by unanimous vote making the death sentence mandatory in heinous rape cases.

Yet, invoking the death penalty as our lawmakers did in response to the Delhi 2012 gang-rape has not stopped the crime. If anything, numbers are up, from 24,923 rapes reported in 2012 to 31,516 in 2022.

If tough laws aren’t working, we need a better solution.

We need to talk to the men. The guys we run into every day – the neighbour, the athletic coach, the tuition teacher, the social worker. More crucially we need to speak to the boys. It works. A pilot programme by non-profit Breakthrough with adolescent boys in Uttar Pradesh found that talking to them resulted in measurable attitude change. Not only did they start treating girls with greater respect, they also began helping mothers and sisters with housework.

It is imperative to reconsider ideas of toxic masculinity. We have far too many boys growing up in India with noxious ideas of what it is to be a man. These ideas include what not to do (show vulnerability) and what to (hanging out in packs, leering or doing worse to girls).

Unless we begin to start talking to the boys, nothing will change. School curriculums, non-profits and governments need to step in. The challenge is formidable. On social media, ideas of toxic masculinity are all pervasive. This week Pete Hegseth, Donald Trump’s defense chief pick, faced Congressional hearings about his attitude to women and accusations of assault. Trump himself has been found liable for sexual abuse. And influential figures like Meta chief Mark Zuckerberg has urged companies to reclaim “masculine energy”.

Men are not born violent, says Amrita Dasgupta, director, Swayam. “It’s society and our socialization process that make many of them this way.” For a world free of violence, “You have to work with men and boys to break stereotypes.” As new year resolutions go, it’s a good place to start.

Namita Bhandare writes on gender.The views expressed are personal

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