Marriage in 3 weeks and he doesn’t want to meet? Stall

Are you having relationship troubles? Are you looking for someone to talk your heart out about these problems? From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.
Cyrus Broacha gives quirky tips on resolving relationship issues.(Unsplash)
Cyrus Broacha gives quirky tips on resolving relationship issues.(Unsplash)
Updated on Aug 13, 2019 04:06 PM IST
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Hindustan Times, Delhi | ByCyrus Broacha

Are you having relationship troubles? Is the long distance bothering you or do you have trust issues? Are you looking for someone to talk your heart out about these problems?

Worry not. TV anchor, theatre personality, comedian, political satirist, columnist and author, Cyrus Broacha is here to help you: From navigating relationship trouble to helping your love life go the distance, he’s got all the dating advice you’ll ever need from your first date to a commitment to even something that you can’t find a solution to.

From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

I am a 24-year-old woman and I am in a relationship for the past two years. However, I am moving to another city and I am not really sure how I can handle long-distance relations. We both want to take this relationship forward but are not sure how to maintain it. What should I do? — KP

KP, you must have learned the ‘first law of perspective as written by the ancient Vedic Scholar Puryakhush’? Well, ignore that law, and move to the second law of perspective. This explains how a full grown house cat is eleven inches tall. Which is not much, but when put into perspective, (the cat as a kitty was 4 inches tall), is quite a lot. Imagine if you were in a long distance relationship in the 70’s, you’d have to wait three weeks for a single letter. Then your letter back would be another 3 weeks. So, six weeks just to say hello to one another. Oh and if your romance would have been in 1770’s, you’d be using pigeons. 50% of homing pigeons never made it to the destination. The reason being predators, boredom, and sheer laziness. Today, dear KP, you have facetime, text messaging, phone calls, e-mails, plus the occasional pigeons. There is evidence to show that ‘long distance relationships’, may even be a safer bet, than normal ones. So its business as usual for you.

I am a 26-year-old guy and I am in a relationship with a senior in office. However, she wants to get married now and I am not ready for this. I don’t know what to do as I know it will get way too awkward for both of us if we break up so abruptly. Please help. — VS

VS, I will explain all this to you through a simple metaphor. Hold on, don’t get too excited, I don’t have a solution. In fact, I never really have a solution. Unfortunately, I always have a metaphor. Tennis. It’s all to do with Tennis. In Tennis, you normally start at the first round, if you win you immediately have a shower. Oh, and you advance to second round. If you win again and again, it leads to more showers. This pattern continues until you reach the final. Here after showering, you play the only other contestant left, and obviously if you win, you shower. Now, your love follows the same pattern. As the bond gets stronger, you advance to the finals, and the stakes get higher. Obviously, it is not clear about the showers. But if you reach the final, that is equivalent to marriage. If you decide to avoid marriage, it is like losing the final. VS, there is no way out of this one. You have to come clean and tell her you are not ready for marriage. Sadly, it’s sends a message you aren’t all in, when it comes to this relationship. If this leads to dissolving the partnership, I can only suggest a cold shower.

I am a 28-year-old lady and I am getting married in the next three weeks. However, I am already a bit nervous about this alliance as we hardly meet or talk. He has never initiated a plan or meeting. What should I do? — TR

TR, you reaction to his behaviour should be the same as mine when I watched the film, ‘Lamhe’. I was Petrified. Horrified. Terrified. In fact I had to take anti-anxiety pills. Actually, just thinking about ‘Lamhe’, just now, made me reach for my anti-anxiety, as well as my mobizox, pain killer. (Please take you mobizox ten hours apart and with food). For God’s sake, you are getting married in 3 weeks, and he has no interest in meeting or connecting with you. Clearly to him you are probably a sofa, or a big cushion. (Big cushion is no reflection of your weight. A big cushion is still smaller than a teenage human). Once you place an order for a sofa, you don’t go and visit it every day until it is delivered. Except my cousin Rustom, who – since he did not have a job, just spent the day at the furniture shop, killing time. Please, please delay the marriage. Stall. Investigate this guy. If he’s not keen, why continue the force? It’s always easier to stop before you start. Old Ukrainian saying.

I am a 25-year-old guy and I have been single for almost three years now. However, I have been on dating platforms but nothing seems to be convincing enough to fall in love, again. Do you think I should not look out for love on these platforms? — NT

NT, in 1963, Joel David, the baseball star, (don’t google, he’s ungoogleable), desperate for love and affection, put an ad in the Washington post, asking for a companion He did not get a response. So he put the ads in 4 newspapers. Still no response. He increased the ads to 11 newspaper across the USA. Still nothing. So he stopped. The moment he stopped, 1,047 women wrote to him. The point here is keep going on the dating sites. There is no cut off to love, as per time. Love is an ongoing project. Unfortunately it’s even more, ‘ongoing’, after you are married. So, look for love everywhere, on dating sites, in libraries, in shopping malls, at restaurants and bars, on the street, in convention centres, in parliament, on Lala tours, at sandwich stalls, in nakabandhis…..keep looking, and looking. Love is like the rain. It will come.

Got a question? Just write to uncle Cy: and I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

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