Seriously Cyrus: How do you determine someone is asexual?
Funny man Cyrus Broacha comes to your rescue and doles out relationship advice in an unconventional way.Updated: Dec 14, 2019 14:17 IST
I am a 25-year-old guy and I have a feeling that my girlfriend is cheating on me. She had got a random call from a wrong number a few months back, and I think she has been in touch with the person ever since. How do I find out if she is cheating me or not? — PS
PS, what a story this is. Look, I’m in touch with both Random House and, Rupa Publications, I’ll put it in a good word for you. It’s a fantastic set up. You are dating a girl. She gets a random call. Maybe from a telemarketer. He tries to sell her life insurance. She falls in love with this offer. I see a web series, or a movie, maybe even a reality show. Now, coming to your question, if you feel she’s found someone else, you can try and lay a trap, by checking her phone, digital footprint etc. However, I’m a great fan of the ‘Old is Gold’ policy. Basically even during inflation or recession, buy gold. And by gold, I mean tell her what you told me. Ask her for an honest answer, give her a chance to tell all. Then, share the rights, contact Amazon, use my name, meet Sharma in marketing, make your web series, and become a millionaire.
I am a 27-year-old man and I have been in a relationship for the last six months. However, we recently found out that my girlfriend is Asexual. We have consulted doctors, but nothing seems to work out. What do I do? — SB
SB, honestly Asmita? Yes. I’ve heard of, Apeksha? 100%, but Asexual? I’m not sure about that. The problem here is the fact that you have consulted not one doctor, but doctors. This implies many doctors. These are trained specialists. They studied medicine. And got degrees in medical care. Asking me to diagnose, and over rule them, is like throwing a pilot off the plane, and then asking me, a person who is incapable of being able to parallel park the car to fly the plane. How does one determine she’s asexual? Is it done by a blood test? Making her cough? Counting her white blood cells? Or behaviour traits like, she sleeps on her left side? Eats only whole wheat bread? Has never heard of lobster tube? I think you have every right to a physical relationship. It’s er not mentioned in the constitution, but you do. If she’s not attracted to you, why should you stay and suffer? You already have a mother. Probably a sister. Plenty of friends. Plus there’s facebook, twitter, insta and tik-tok. What role will she play sans physical relations?
I am a 28-year-old woman and I have been in a relationship for the last two years. My boyfriend is over-possessive and we have discussed about it a lot of times but he doesn’t seem to understand. Do you think it is time to end the relationship for this? — KT
Jor ling, was the chief tutor of Kim Jong Un. (He’s the guy who taught Kim Jong Un maths and philosophy, and once famously marked one of Kim’s answers as wrong. Also just before he was executed with anti-aircraft guns on a tarmac in Pyong Yang, watched by North Korea’s elite, and all the airports baggage handlers, wrote a book about jealousy). Jor ling spoke of how being possessive is a proper disease that must be treated with electric commands to the brain. Bear in mind the surviving 37 citizens from the 1,500 that was experimented on, were all cured. KT, you are already talking about breaking up, so obviously the possessive behaviour is at an advanced stage. In two years, if his behaviour has got worse it’s a really bad sign. Sadly the Indian Govt. forbids tinkering with your boyfriend’s brain, so yes I think it may be time to face the reality. I suppose one final chance, in cricketing terms, a last over, could be offered, and then yes, please pull the plug.
I am a 22-year-old woman and I have been single for almost four years now. However, I have a crush on someone in my office, but I am not really sure how to make the first move without sounding someone who is desperate for attention. What do I do? — OP
OP, my book, “Understanding Romance, by the time you have your first stroke”, explains your predicament. I quote page 47 paragraph 3. Oh, sorry that page is torn so let’s go with page 59, paragraph one. Okay that’s about the effects of air-conditioning. OP, I’ll just wing it, for you. Frankly, there is no such thing as the first move. That is, no move equals to the first move. Instead of an overt gesture just meet at the water cooler, and say hello. Or in the lift, or the lobby, just a normal acknowledgement. I’ve said it 48,377 times, romance grows best from normalcy. Stop watching Karan Johar romantic films, and be exceedingly normal with him. A greeting will lead to a conversation. A conversation may lead to a romance. Or worse still, a marriage.