Single… Well, sort of!

You are single but not really. There is a definite significant other in your life – your child. But should that be a stumbling block in your love life?

I’m a single parent of an 8-year-old boy. After a long time gap from the dating scene, I’ve started seeing someone again. We’ve been dating for six months, and the question now arises — sleepovers or no?” asks Aditi Dave, 41.

For Dave, unless her dating doesn’t turn into a serious relationship, sleepovers at this point might lead to confusion and suffering for her child. But she also agrees that it doesn’t mean a single woman or a man can’t casually date. “You can either sneak into the house or invent some official out-of-town work, and request a friend or a family member to babysit while you get your quality time,” Dave adds.

Being a single parent in India has its ups and downs due to strong biases that exist in our society. Dating again, then, becomes rather challenging for someone who wants to start afresh. 1.36 million people in India are divorced, which is equivalent to 0.24% of the married population, and 0.11% of the total population. But more strikingly, the number of people separated is almost thrice the number of people divorced — 0.61% of the married population and 0.29% of the total population. Interestingly, more women are divorced and separated than men.

The hurdles

Like Dave, Radhika Ganesan, a mother of a 12-year-old girl, doesn’t believe in sleepovers either when her daughter is around. “She doesn’t need to be having breakfast with a man I’ve been dating for a few months. If I plan to move in with him, that’s a different story. Until that happens, I guess, I will have to keep it a secret from her,” Ganesan says.

Ganesan separated from her husband when her daughter was only six-years-old. “I have been attacked by my family and friends, and have been asked to stay away from dating. The most common advice I get is how I should let go of my emotional life as well as my physical needs for the well-being of my child,” she says.

According to Mumbai-based counsellor Geetanjali Saxena, being a parent itself is a herculean task. For a single parent, she says, it is even more difficult because the person has to shoulder the responsibility of two people. “Parenting is challenging for everyone across the globe, and being a single parent makes the swim more adventurous. The financial struggles force single parents to go out and work extra while society makes them feel guilty for not being there for their child,” Saxena adds.

Stigma and judgement

There are many reasons why people think twice before dating a divorced man or a woman, and even more so, when these people have their children to take care of.

Saxena says, “People are worried thinking about how involved the divorced person’s family is going to be. Sometimes, that stops them from going ahead, and dating someone who is separated.” One of Dr Saxena’s clients, who was divorced, wanted to find someone who she could date and eventually get married to, but the men who took an interest in her, refused to take responsibility for her child.

One of her other clients, who had a turbulent marriage, and waited for years for things to get better between her and her then husband, finally decided to let go of her marriage. “But being abused leaves scars; she now has trust issues and doesn’t open up, and has almost given up on the idea of love. She was approached by many men and in one case, a man, who was ten years younger than her, was ready to get married to her, and was willing to accept both her children. But, she refused as she wasn’t ready to face the judgments of the society,” Saxena adds.

What could be done?

Kavita Mungi, a mental health counsellor, explains, “Being aware and creating awareness among family and friends is a good step to start with. Be prepared to stand up to any kind of bias against yourself, speak up for yourself, and let your actions reflect your thoughts. You might end up finding support from like-minded people.”

Psychiatrist Dr Shyam Mithia shares somewhat similar views as that of Mungi. Communication, he thinks, is key for single parents who want to start dating again. He says, “One should believe in themselves rather than getting carried away by what others say or think about them.”

Mithia also talks about how hiding the fact that they’re dating again from their children might cause worry, stress and anxiety in the kid’s mind. “It’s difficult but one has to communicate with their children. It’s much better than them finding out abruptly,” he adds.

At the end of the day, things might not be all hunky-dory, but single parents, according to Mungi, should proactively associate themselves with social groups to meet like-minded people. Hobby courses, she says, are a good place to meet people with similar interests. “Social media is another way to meet new people, but beware of fake profiles, and don’t forget to tread carefully,” she says.