We have a million reasons to hate Dilwale trailer, here’re 13

So we finally got the Dilwale trailer. Remember how excited you were yesterday? Those innocent times when your eyes still worked, and your ears didn’t have 90% burns blistering them. But alas, we’ve seen it now, and we have opinions.

1.

We get 18 seconds of logos reminding you who paid for this abomination on humankind.

2.

“Sabke paas dil hota par har koi dilwala nahi hota,” the trailer informs us (we’re looking at you Rohit Shetty). SRK tries his best to remind you he’s still young. At least that’s what the bad face lift was for, we assume.

3.

This is then followed by 10 whole seconds of Rohit Shetty blowing his own trumpet or tooting his own horn (whatever floats your boat). Are you really feeling proud of Bol Bachchan and All The Best?

4.

Shots of SRK and Kajol in various badly greenscreened locations are followed by Varun Dhawan’s ‘faadu’ entry which doubles up as a reminder that one day we will get Golmaal 4/Fast & Furious 55.

5.

Varun looks up at a statue of Jesus and probably thinks, “Jejus, take the wheel.” Because he is driving rashly. What a rebel he is.

6.

Oh here’s the obligatory Johnny Lever cameo with the obligatory gay joke because we love Johnny Lever. And gay jokes. Our memories of Mr Almeida are now permanently soiled.

7.

By now Boman Irani should straight up start calling himself “angry parsi man” because that’s all he does. Sanjay Mishra, whom we loved so much in Masaan only recently reminds us that deep down, we are all sell-outs.

8.

More drifting. More car stunts. More explosions. Because they had all that Happy New Year money just lying around, and they thought: Screw it. Cars exist. They must be destroyed.

9.

And just in case you forgot who directed this pile of garbage, the modest perpetrator’s name pops up on the screen yet again.

10.

“15 saal,” growls little-SRK-riding-hood, doing his best desi Batman impression. “15 saal,” we agree. That’s 15 saal of memories down the drain.

11.

Movie: “Aaj ke baad apna chehra mat dikha, warna jaan le lunga.”
Us: “K”

12.

And there’s the fifth time Rohit Shetty reminds you that he’s the man you so desperately want to murder.

13.

We would have never forgiven you anyway for making us wait for Star Wars a week longer, this trailer is only an insult to injury. You see people, this is why we can’t have good things.

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First Published: Nov 10, 2015 16:39 IST