How to overcome ‘The roommate syndrome’

Emotional distance in the relationship can breed dissatisfaction between couples. Various factors contribute to this – a fast-paced life, daily stressors and overwhelm coming from work, and most importantly taking each other for granted

MUMBAI: A thirty-three-year-old female client tells me, “We have been married for last eight years and are happy, yet it feels like we are reduced to being roommates. We know how to co-exist and manage our children’s lives and our holidays, yet our capacity for intimacy whether its physical or emotional is impacted. When the internet this month has been filled with messages on love, I’m wondering if there is hope for us and what can we do.”

How to overcome ‘The roommate syndrome’

This is a constant theme that I have encountered among couples who are in long-term partnered relationships or marriage. Both research and my clinic experience show that often administrative tasks, paying bills, managing jobs, taking care of parents, children and in-laws lead to exhaustion which can lead to interpersonal distress and disconnection between couples. As a result, couples find themselves stuck in a pattern which is commonly referred to as – ‘The roommate syndrome’.

It is common although not many are aware of or even acknowledge. It shows up as slow and gradual decline of connection and intimacy in the relationship so much so that couples sometimes fail to notice it and even if they do, begin to accept it as a way of living. Clients joke about this and mention how all of their friends seem to be sailing in the same boat. This normalization is problematic.

Emotional distance in the relationship can breed dissatisfaction between couples. Various factors contribute to this – a fast-paced life, daily stressors and overwhelm coming from work, and most importantly taking each other for granted. This reflects in the interest, engagement with which couples turn towards each other. They begin to respond to each other in a manner which feels distant, without possibilities and desire for intimacy of any kind.

There is a way to find a way back. In my experience, those partners who have experienced this shift in their dynamic and can acknowledge this are most likely to consciously work towards strengthening the relationship. There is optimism for those couples too where only one partner is ready to re-invest in intimacy in their marriage or partnered relationship. It is possible for them to establish both physical and emotional intimacy. However, it’s important to bear in mind that whether it is couple work or individual work, a variety of factors determine if the change will come through or not -- desire for change, willingness to put in consistent effort, ability to tune towards one’s partner and most importantly a desire to make the relationship work.

I often try and unpack the ways couples used to engage with each other early on in their relationship. Based on this, we work around bringing curiosity, playfulness and a renewed interest back in the relationships. Adulting is challenging and at every stage of life there are so many things to be attended to that sometimes couples forget to tend to their own relationship. I often hear clients tell me how they don’t remember when they laughed openly, had fun only with their partner. I have heard clients talk about how they miss discovering and learning new things about their partner and this makes them sad. This recognition is a reminder of a deep need to connect, and helping couples become aware of this and using this as a springboard to schedule time for each other is crucial.

Whether it’s watching a movie, going for a walk, listening to your favourite music or sharing a meal at a restaurant – co-creating spaces that allow togetherness regularly is important. I also suggest that it’s important for partners to cultivate eroticism and how to slowly bring passion back into the relationship and see it as a purposeful way of connecting with each other.

Learning to focus on ‘us’ in an intimate relationship and remembering that it’s an ongoing process is one of the biggest tasks of adulthood.