Listen. Look. And be there for those who matter to you

Unconscious habits can disrupt intimacy in relationships; being present, listening deeply, and avoiding distractions like phones are crucial for connection.

I was running a training programme for an organization around habits and behaviour that contribute to healthy and fulfilling relationships. During the session, a young participant asked if there are certain specific behaviours that come in the way of intimacy and closeness. I loved the question for the reality is that there are habits that we may unconsciously or unintentionally engage in which can lead to conflict in relationships.

Listen. Look. And be there for those who matter to you

Our ability to tolerate pauses and silence in conversations is often underestimated when it comes to relationships. Whether in friendships or romantic relationships, we need to develop an ability to be patient and not fill the gaps when there is a pause or silence. Often people fill the gap by either looking at their phones or talking about something inane. An act of checking our phones, responding to messages when in presence of another person disrupts attentive presence. It may signal to the other that we are not interested in what they have to say or that there is something more important we want to attend to. So, while this may be common sense, it’s important that we remember to be fully present during important conversations. Learning to see moments of silence as time for reflection, introspection is key in this.

How we listen and when we fail to listen, are things we need to be mindful of. Often, when someone is talking, we are mentally prepping for what we will say or how we will say it rather than listen to them. To catch oneself when stuck in this pattern is a good starting point learning how to listen properly. We forget that sometimes deep listening itself is a response and is enough to soothe the other person.

In the last few years, I have heard couples, or clients tell me how during conflicts they are most irritated when their partner brings up what their therapist said in their individual session. What happened in a therapy session had a context, and flow, yet when it’s paraphrased during a couple’s fights or stated loosely, it can become a way of weaponizing and manipulating what was discussed in therapy. Similarly, quoting borrowed wisdom from social media can become a way to make the other person feel small, and judged.

It’s important to remember that we cannot confuse what we know of our friends, co-workers via social media as the complete picture. The updates, sharing of experiences can serve as a talking point but to believe that liking posts or comments made in a digital world allow for real deep connection is an illusion. I often tell couples that texting all day long about every little experience cannot be equated with the joy of having real conversations, and real, in-person sharing of stories. Text communication doesn’t allow for active listening, eye contact and offers no space for physical and social soothing whether via touch or tonality.

Adulting is recognizing that no matter how old we grow we are still figuring things. Adulting also lies in recognizing that reining in the way we use social media, benefits our relationships and helps to be present for people who matter to us.