When festivals are a time of inter-personal strife

Festivals often lead to conflicts and misunderstandings at home. Developing realistic expectations, using a secret codeword, and self-care can help avoid fights. Being patient, generous, and grateful is key.

A 39-year-old woman in a session tells me: “During every festival, we have fights, if not on the festival day, then as the festivities are concluding. It’s sad, isn’t it? Ten years into marriage and we are still fighting on days which are supposed to be moments of togetherness and celebration. I wish we could learn how to be kinder to each other, in general but more so on these days.”

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The week following festive occasions is filled with clients talking about how so many conflicts and misunderstandings take place at home around festival days. Whether it’s for people in partnered relationships, between siblings, adult children and their parents and then conflicts around in-laws.

All over the world, we put festivals on a pedestal. They often become a time when we like things to go perfectly, and we often set a lot of expectations in terms of how we want them to turn out. Clients talk about how most conflicts are around hosting, exchange of gifts, conversation around how much to spend, how much to socialize, binge eating and then binge drinking.

While working with families and couples or even individuals, I generally suggest people begin by developing realistic expectations around festivals and be aware of what possibly leaves them overwhelmed. In my understanding, those who identify as introverts, prefer alone time or those who struggle with anxiety, socializing and family interactions can often lead to social fatigue, and a sense of feeling uncomfortable. Being aware of this and then letting your family members in on this during or post festivals can allow others to be more mindful and recognize that you may need space and downtime to recharge.

Another technique that helps, when there is a risk of getting into heated arguments or trivial conversations escalating into big fights, is choosing to have a secret codeword that as a family you have decided. It could be a funny word, that helps diffuse the conflict or just a simple word such as ‘pause’ that allows everyone a window to step back and take time out. My favourite piece of advice for families and couples comes from Dr Irvin Yalom, who in one of his books says, “Strike when the iron is cold.” The best time to have a conversation is when others can receive it and have capacity to listen. Very often clients tell me they don’t even remember what led to the fight, but they felt terrible, and it made them feel hurt.

Festive occasions are times to make those we love to feel understood, seen and most importantly cared for. At the same time, they are also a time to engage and sustain activities that give us a sense of soothing. Given that holidays and festive occasions are filled with so many social activities, there is often a lack of schedule and structure to the day. Choose to intentionally schedule few minutes to meditate, do basic stretches, journal, listen to your favourite music or have a cup of tea alone, so that there is time for self-nourishing and rejuvenation. Even few minutes, can go a long way in helping you feel more cantered.

Whether it’s young children, our partners, siblings or even parents it helps to be mindful of what helps them experience connection and soothing. When there are moments that begin to feel tense, or a fight is just about to begin: recognizing what comforts our loved one and our own self can go a long way in deescalating situations that have potential to turn in to a destructive conflict. Humour and playfulness, physical touch in the form of a hug or a cuddle or is it listening and calming words or sometimes even a time out are some ways people choose to re-center oneself.

So, identifying and communicating about this is crucial, as it can help to contain fights. An attitude of openness and curiosity allows for more dialogue rather than an attitude of judgment or rigidity.

Being patient, extending generosity, learning when to let go, choosing to let non-issues remain nonissues and creating space for gratitude is the best gift we can extend to our loved ones and mindfully work towards avoiding conflicts around festive and holiday season.