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Real animal spirits

People looked from termite to scorpion, from dog to goldfish turd to pigs and skunks and back again; but it was impossible to say which was which, writes Manas Chakravarty.

columns Updated: Mar 09, 2013 22:23 IST
Manas Chakravarty
Manas Chakravarty
Hindustan Times

“Modi called us termites. He is a scorpion and a snake,” said Mani Shankar Aiyar.

— Express News Service, March 4

Minister: Honourable colleagues and opposition cockroaches, we have called this meeting to discuss the Land Acquisition Bill. Let me start by….

BJP leader: Before going any further, allow me to state that you are pigs wallowing in a cesspool of corruption.

Shiv Sena politico: I would like to add: a pig with a face like a baboon’s backside.

Akali Dal leader: In my considered opinion, hippopotamuses rather than pigs. They’re fatter.

Bodoland People’s Front guy: Hippopotami. Please specify what kind of cockroach. The largest by wingspan is Megaloblatta Longipennis.

Independent MP: My vote goes to Longipennis.

CPI(M) comrade: What is important is the class composition of the pigs. These are bourgeois hippopotamuses. Besides, of course, being running dogs of capitalism.

TMC woman: Maoist Mutt sounds so much better.

Shiv Sena leader: Socialist swine too is attractive alliteratively.

Congress leader: See, you even fight like dogs and cats.

Bodoland guy: I’m a cat all right — a cool cat.

BJP honcho: After the next elections, the Congress will be as dead as a dodo.

Congress boss: You, obviously, are as drunk as a skunk.

JD(U) man: And you, certainly, are as blind as a bat.

Congress boss: I think you’re backing the wrong horse.

JD(U) man: That’s a horse of a different colour.

NCP politico: Oh, the JD(U) is just too chicken to cross the road.

BJP chap: That’s because they know there are sly old foxes on the other side.

Independent MP: Don’t be such a dog in the manger.

DMK boss: Every dog has his day.

AIADMK lady: You are goldfish turd, which is Japanese for an unwanted person who’s always tagging along.

Minister: Will you folks stop this monkey business and discuss this land acquisition….

TMC woman: We all know you are pigs feeding at the trough.

RSP comrade: Fat cats, the whole lot.

Bodoland guy: Did you know that in ancient Egypt the people worshipped the scarab, a kind of dung-beetle?

SP spokesperson: The moot question is: was it a secular dung-beetle?

BSP lady: You daft cow.

BJP guy: There are no silly cows, only sacred ones.

Shiv Sena chap: And nobody will be allowed to hit the bull’s eye. We also warn everybody against taking the bull by the horns.

Bodoland guy: Are you aware that in Chinese, the term for bullshit is ‘gou pi’ and literally means dog fart?

AIDUF representative: Oh yeah? Better to be the head of a dog than the tail of a lion.

Independent MP: You are neither dogs nor lions. You are all black sheep, political animals crooked like a dog’s hind leg, jumping around like cats on a hot tin roof and putting up a dog and pony show.

The people outside looked from termite to scorpion, from dog to goldfish turd to pigs and skunks and back again; but it was impossible to say which was which.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint. Views expressed by the author are personal.

First Published: Mar 09, 2013 22:19 IST