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Desi Par-desi

This title does not refer to a wholly-Bharatiya, VHP-approved sexual position. It is the cultural contortion created by the custodians of our Pure Aryan Tradition.

india Updated: Feb 17, 2003 14:14 IST

This title does not refer to a wholly-Bharatiya, VHP-approved sexual position. It is the cultural contortion created by the custodians of our Pure Aryan Tradition. We must touch their lotus feet for so bravely battling against dangerous pseudo-liberals and fatal sickularists. Not only have they allowed us to have any cartel of our choice provided it is saffron, these noble souls risk life and election to safeguard our 5,000-year-old civilization from death by instant noodles.

The past week offered one more example of how our leaders keep us on the true path of purist priorities.

While pompous George Bush thundered, ‘Ban Laden’, and petty cricket authorities cried, ‘Ban Warne’; our astute new union minister of state for Tourism and Cultural Affairs declared, ‘Ban Disco’. Ms Bhavana Chikhalia announced that, from henceforth, no ITDC hotel would be desecrated by the heathen sounds of such decadent dancing. It must have helped that the trendy Vinod Khanna was no longer in charge here.

We must acknowledge the perspicacity of Bhavana-ben. While the entire planet has been howling and yelping about World War and World Warne, she has grasped that the real danger is World Music. Ignoring the all-powerful US claim, she has issued notice that disco vs desi is the real clash of civilizations.

It must also be noted that when the minister decided to give a punitive dandiya to disco, she launched her attack from Ahmedabad. While Navratri revelers might tremble over being next on her hit-list, this further established Gujarat as the Gangotri of all that is pure in Bharatiya punditry and politics.

Pankaj need not be Udhas, and Jagjit can Singh to his heart’s content because the Minister has ordained that ghazals will replace the banned disco in the ITDC hotels. Uhmmm, we trust she has got the necessary clearances from the authorities of the Song Parivar. Her decision should not trigger another Togadia-of-war over what constitutes acceptable Hindutva music.

However, not even the godfather of the Sangh Famiglia will fault Ms Bhavana’s timing. As a member of the Be Jagrut Please party, the saffron lady upped the alert to the highest orange-level in the week that the country is prey to the most subversive form of cultural terrorism. Her decision greatly reinforced the defence shield of her allied Valentine Hate Party.

In that one-charge-fits-all attack, she included the whole axis of evil. Not just disco dewanee and V-Day, but also Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. The latter two are equally inappropriate because, according to this true daughter of Bharat, we don’t suffer from the West’s unfilial ways of living apart from parents as soon as we become adult enough to fix our own dinner and wash our own underwear-banian. Absolutely correct. We continue to live with them — except when we have evicted them from their own homes, sometimes via the balcony.

Here, too, Ms Chikhalia could be on chikna ground if she hasn’t sorted out matters with Murli Manohar Joshi, the Nanny No.1 of the Pure Aryan Heritage. It will be recalled that a couple of months ago, MM-ji had declared that we should stop referring to women as ‘the fair sex’ since this was a Western concept (clearly he doesn’t read matrimonial ads). His proffered alternative was ‘the mother sex’. Lesser intellects like mine fail to understand the logic of motherhood being anointed Shuddh Indian but Mother’s Day being made a target of Yuddh Indian.

The Mantri-Madam quite rightly stated that ‘The Western assault on Indian culture must be thwarted’. The Western assault on Indian hotels is unlikely to be thwarted as a result of her decision, since foreigners are under no travel advisory to preserve their own cultural traditions and not succumb to the subversions of foreign music. Arguably, they might actually prefer to listen to the verbal gyrations of Penaaz Masani rather than suffer the vulgar gyrations of some ‘Kris’ Keswani.

But, if they ban disco from the Ashoka Hotel, what will happen to the hep Ms Patel? How will she swing and how will she rock, and what will become of her designer frock when Bhavana-ben decides to turn back the clock? Yes, Pop has become completely Indi-genised. It’s a mercy the West hasn’t sued us for violations of intellectual property rights.

The problem could get worse for Bhavana-ban. Is she prepared to go the whole way, and take her purist new broom to the streets? For, the disco slip is no longer limited to the upper-backless classes. Far more painfully, it afflicts the lower sections boisterously stomping their way through Durga Puja, Ganapati, and every traditional Indian celebration. Cultural terrorism, like any other, is a moving target.

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Alec Smart said, “Final message to dopers: You have been Warned!”