The beauty of romance is that a spark can occur anywhere, with anybody.
Sometimes all it takes is a glance, and two strangers recognise in each other something they have been looking for. “It just clicked,” we say. What we mean is that we saw a flash of interest, intelligence, humour, or something else about this person that intrigued us.
It is that recognition, I believe, that explains the flash of excitement we feel about someone we don’t know yet. A smile may follow, and a conversation, or more.
Across cultures, races and nationalities, going back centuries, this is often how it has worked. Which is why many of you reading this will know what I mean. (Often, admittedly, we are mistaken; and the spark turns out to be short-lived or unrequited. But c’est la vie. That is life too.)
I’d like to talk today about the sparks that are requited; the ephemeral romantic connection. And how the scepticism of our times could be endangering it.
This frisson of an instant connection is so universal and ancient an experience that our stories are filled with them: Urdu poems, Latin verse, Shakespearean plays and Bollywood films. The heartbreaking story of The Bridges of Madison County (1992) begins in this way (a man stops to ask for directions to a local bridge, and a lonely wife and mother offers to take him there herself).
One of my favourite such tales is the plot of Before Sunrise (1995), a romantic drama directed by Richard Linklater and co-written by Linklater and Kim Krizan. An American tourist named Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and a French university student, Celine (Julie Delpy) meet on a train and decide to step off it in Vienna to spend the night together, with the knowledge that they will part at dawn.
The world is full of stories of such romances, some of which remain short-lived, while other blossom into entire lives spent together.
I had such an experience at the American Embassy, decades ago. Standing in line to enter, I locked eyes with a handsome young man. After about half an hour of stolen glances, we finally entered the embassy together and, as we sat waiting our turn, graduated to nervous smiles. I went in first, and, being a true romantic, waited for him outside.
As he exited, I said, “Hi, how was it?” We walked down the road, chatted, exchanged landline numbers, but never called or met again. Thirty years later, I am still smiling as I write about that day. It took the edge off the nervousness of that arduous application and interview process. (I remember thinking, when I got the visa, that I hope he got his too.)
What inspired me to write about this now were the recent protests, where a number of young people experienced short-lived romantic connections too. From memes about “uninstalling dating apps because the best place to meet like-minded people is here” to people sharing Reels with those they were developing a crush on, this light-hearted approach to love felt so refreshing.
We spend too much of our lives suspicious of each other. The protests, in a way, created a shared space that felt communal and safe. We need more spaces that allow us to feel like this: youth clubs, community centres, third places. Sadly, we don’t have very many.
Instead, we spend our free time gazing into the eyes of strangers who can never really look back at us. And when a person we don’t know smiles at us in the real world, we are programmed to respond with suspicion.
As a dating coach, I find myself discussing this more frequently with clients. We can’t have meet-cutes in the real world, if we refused to engage. Safely. With caution. But in ways that allow suspicion to wait its turn.
Honestly, little harm can come of having a conversation with someone at the grocery store (yes, it’s a good idea to get out there yourself and not rely on an app to bring everything, including love, to your door), a doctor’s waiting room, or in queue for a croissant, restaurant table… or visa.
I would offer one important piece of advice: refrain from behaving like a literal predator. These are not hunting grounds. Do not stare and scour. Do not make strangers uncomfortable. Smile if it seems someone might be on the verge of smiling. Prepare to be wrong, and retreat immediately and with grace.
There is love and joy out there in the world. Don’t snatch at it. But don’t inoculate yourself against it either.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@ floh.in. The views expressed are personal)
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