In our relationship journeys, we are all guilty of having unrealistic expectations from our partners. As we get deeper into a relationship, we get a more realistic understanding of what we can expect from each other. In a healthy relationship, a couple can navigate this appropriately and find a comfortable operating style that keeps both satisfied. But, as an ever-evolving human race, the dynamics of our relationships keep changing with life experiences and the various circumstances we find ourselves in.
Getting to a place of mutual understanding is a moving target in a healthy relationship. It’s a line item of the “happy relationships require constant work” ‘do’s and don’ts’ list. One of the big ‘do’s’ emerging in this high-pressure environment we live in, is letting things go and cutting each other some slack.
With all the couples I work with, I’ve heard from at least one of the partners requesting the other “to cut them some slack”. It literally means “to be less demanding of someone; ease up on someone (Collins Dictionary)”. Cutting your partner some slack has more to do with the phase they are going through as an individual. And that makes it a bit tough for the other partner to understand. Awareness and empathy are the tools that come to good use in this scenario.
Each couple needs to figure out when they need to do this for each other. However, there are some common scenarios that I’ll highlight here where you absolutely should cut your partner some slack.
* When your partner seems to have lost their confidence: The reason for this could range from losing their job, an illness that has left a lasting impact, coming out of a traumatic experience or even menopause for women.
* Giving up an addiction or changing behavioural patterns: This requires an immense amount of determination and energy from any individual. Knowing that your partner is rooting for you in this effort is a huge motivation. Being less demanding of them at this time is the kind of support they need.
* Changing career paths or learning something new: Shifting of focus when concentrating on learning a new skill set is a given for all of us. Things will be forgotten, attention will be diverted, honest mistakes will be made. Taking these aberrations in the right spirit is what will work best.
* Exploring spirituality: Any spiritual experience is immersive. If your partner is finding peace in doing their Buddhist chant or going for Vipassana, don’t begrudge this “me time” they need. I’ve been guilty of giving my husband grief about him wanting to go for Vipassana every year. The year that he did not go, I noticed the difference in him. Having a partner who is in tune with spirituality is a magical ingredient that makes everything you do in the relationship easy.
An approach that has helped me cut my partner some slack in my day-to-day life is a metric taught by my partner himself; will someone die if something didn’t happen? Is it an irreplicable occurrence? For example, if either of us forgets to do something, it will not kill someone. If a gadget got spoiled due to the negligence of a partner and it can be replaced, we don’t bring the house down. The secret that I learnt when practising this approach is that I started to cut myself some slack too, and that liberated me. So, start by cutting yourself some slack and you will be able to do it easily for others around you.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
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