Ghosting someone is all right. So get over it, already

If you’ve ever considered sneaking quietly out of a relationship, you know that most of the time, there’s no concrete reason. Some relationships simply don’t build up to anything. Most people you interact with online (and in life, really) are nice enough, nothing more. Some, you realise, weren’t holding up their end of the flirtation anyway. So, rather than having found cause to stop, it’s likely that you’ve found no cause to continue.

This is why, in your search for a gentle letdown, you draw on cliché (“It’s not you, it’s me”). In your attempt to offer closure, you come off fussy (“I’m looking for someone who’s passionate about the same things as I am”). Worse, the other person will typically want to know why. You’ll be stuck explaining yourself when there’s nothing to explain.

Even when there’s good reason to end a dalliance, it’s hardly good form to announce it. You’re dumping someone, anyway. Why tell them they’re boring/whiny/too tall/bigoted/gap-toothed/basic when you can simply go quiet?

When your chats have gone cold after what you thought was a thrilling back and forth, do see the bright side. No answer is possibly the best answer you can get. You’re freed from having to consider changing yourself to better suit someone else. There are no cringey moments, no dung hiding under the diplomacy. No obsessing over what was said v/s what was meant. You never have to extend the “Let’s just be friends” lie.

Best practices for ghosters? Roughly, if you are planning to ghost someone, make it quick. Don’t linger and create confusion. And if you do run into them in person one day, don’t let it be the elephant in the room. Be the first to bring it up. Mention that you’re sorry it didn’t work out. On the other hand, if you’re the one whose messages have been seen, but not responded to at the usual speed, give it time. Sometimes life really does get in the way. If the person seems to be active online but inactive with you, take the hint. The ghosting has begun. If the last texts were yours and there were no responses (even to your follow-up suite of ????) it’s not looking good.

Indicating that you don’t care will probably rattle a ghoster more. And don’t kill yourself over it: Ghosting is no worse than any other kind of breakup. So rest in peace.