3 communication mistakes to avoid if you want to stay married, therapist reveals: ‘Shutting down and pulling away to…’

A therapist shared 3 communication mistakes couples need to avoid if they want to maintain their marriage or relationship, including defensiveness and more.

Communication is the key to a strong and flourishing relationship. However, communication that is not effective may end up hurting your partner, send the wrong message or cause serious harm if left unchecked. They are called the communication pitfalls.

Communcation mistakes to avoid if you want a flourishing relationship.

Per Trevor Hanson, licensed therapist and anxious attachment coach, there are three common pitfalls in communication that can prevent partners from truly understanding one another. He suggested that one 'shouldn’t do' these things to improve harmony in their relationship. In the post, he shared what these mistakes are, as well as examples and alternatives to avoid making these mistakes.

What are the 3 communication mistakes?

In a post, titled ‘3 communication pitfalls you need to avoid if you want to stay married’, Trevor shared that criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are the 3 common communication mistakes in communication that can threaten your marriage or relationship.

1. Criticism

Example: “You don't care about me. You never show me that you love me.”

When you criticise your partner with such a statement, they hear - “You are a failure and not good enough.” So, instead, try saying: “Can we spend more time just for you and I? It makes me feel cared for.”

“Criticism can make your partner feel attacked or inadequate, leading to defensiveness, where both sides focus on defending themselves rather than resolving the issue. This back-and-forth can quickly escalate conflicts, leaving both people feeling misunderstood,” Trevor added.

2. Defensiveness

When your partner shares their feelings or insecurities, and you defend yourself by saying: “What do you mean I don't take care of you? Don't you remember last night when I…?”

Your partner hears: “I don't care about your feelings, I care about defending myself.” Therefore, try saying: “How you see me is so important to me because you are important to me.”

3. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a pitfall where one partner emotionally shuts down or withdraws, often leading to feelings of rejection and abandonment. This further damages the connection.

Example: You may shut down and pull away.

In such a situation, your partner assumes that you don't care about them and are leaving them on their own.

Instead, try saying: “I am overwhelmed and don't know what to say to make this better. I don't want to hurt you, and I am scared I will if we keep talking.”

According to Trevor, these pitfalls can hide the true meaning of your messages and prevent you from getting the closeness, respect, and understanding you need. These behaviours mask the real message you want to communicate and make it difficult to resolve conflicts effectively.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.