Do you believe in ‘if he wanted to he would’, ‘never settle’? Therapist says viral TikTok advices ruin relationships

Therapist Nadia emphasises that healthy relationships are challenging and require communication and emotional maturity, rather than following TikTok advice.

If you scroll through the internet, you will find multiple posts telling you to ‘never settle’ in a relationship, and advice like ‘if they wanted to, they would’, and ‘relationships are not meant to be hard’. But do these tips hold any truth?

The therapist stresses that the healthiest advice leaves room for nuance. It helps you think, reflect, and notice what is actually happening. (Freepik)

Instagram and TikTok are full of so-called influencers and self-proclaimed relationship experts sharing advice on what a bond between two healthy partners looks like. While some may be good, others share tips that may be doing you more harm than good. On April 10, Nadia Addesi, a licensed therapist, shared the truth behind popular relationship tips available online.

She shared the post with the caption, “Deinfluencing you from TikTok advice that is ruining your relationship (As a licensed therapist).” According to Nadia, a lot of relationship advice online starts to feel true when it is easy to digest and repeated enough times.

“The more people say it, the more we start treating it like fact, then applying it to our own relationship without stopping to ask whether it actually fits. As a therapist, I see how much this can create insecurity and chaos,” she warned.

Moreover, she noted that people start questioning healthy relationships over one viral opinion. They start assuming something is wrong when what is really happening has more to do with context, communication, attachment, old wounds, and the very specific dynamic between two people," she added. Here are some viral TikTok pieces of advice and the contrasting reality behind them:

"If they wanted to, they would"

You may have heard this popular phrase multiple times on Reels. But according to Nadia, it is not always true. She explained, “People don't automatically know what matters to you just because they love you. One of the things I'm constantly teaching is that expectations that are not communicated will turn into resentment. The real question is not whether they guessed right. It's whether they care enough to follow through once you've made your needs clear.”

"You shouldn't have to change for anyone"

You shouldn't change your core identity, but you will have to face the reality of working on your own unhealthy traits and habits that surface in a relationship, Nadia advised.

She explained, “One of the clearest patterns I see is people expecting growth from their partner while acting like their own unhealthy patterns should just be accepted as who they are. A relationship cannot grow unless both people are willing to.”

Before you take advice from the internet, ask yourself whether it is helping your relationship or just making you more anxious. (Unsplash)

"A healthy relationship will never be hard"

According to the therapist, a healthy relationship will be hard, unlike what Reels tell you. She elaborates that the closer you get, the more your differences, wounds, fears, and patterns come to the surface.

“I think a lot of people have been taught to treat difficulty as proof that something is wrong, when usually it's just what happens when two people are trying to build a life together. There will be seasons that ask more of you. There will be decisions that stretch you,” she added.

"Never settle"

This one sounds empowering, but it's been twisted into always looking for better. According to Nadia, standards matter, but passing over healthy love because the internet has taught you that if a relationship is not perfect, effortless, and everything you imagined, you must be settling, is wrong thinking. “There is a difference between settling and accepting that any relationship will come with flaws and two imperfect people,” she added.

"They should be your everything"

According to the therapist, we shouldn't put so much weight on one person. It is a setup for codependency. She elaborates, “I've seen how quickly this turns into losing yourself inside your relationship. Your partner should be a significant source of love and connection, not your entire support system. Healthy relationships exist alongside friendships, community, and your own individual identity.”

"If it's meant to be, it will be"

Fate is not an indicator of a healthy relationship; however, popular TikTok videos may make you believe it is. According to the therapist, healthy relationships are built on work, communication, and emotional maturity. More importantly, they should have two people being willing to repair. She adds, “A lot of relationships do not fail because the love was not real. They fail because love by itself was not enough.”

Lastly, the therapist advised couples, “Before you take advice from the internet and lay it over your own life, slow down. Ask yourself whether it is helping you understand your relationship more clearly or just making you more anxious, reactive, or doubtful. The healthiest advice leaves room for nuance. It helps you think, reflect, and notice what is actually happening between you and your partner instead of pushing you to make everything mean something.”

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.

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