‘I can fix him’ but can you really? Psychologist warns it may ruin your mental health: ‘Always worried about…’

If you have a saviour complex, save it for yourself, as ‘I can fix’ attitude won't take you far, and instead you are digging your own hole.

‘I can fix them’ is a common reassurance people give to themselves, and to others, when they choose to stay in a difficult relationship. This belief in ‘fixing’ gradually becomes resolute and firm, despite obvious red flags and recurring toxic patterns suggesting it should be ended promptly.

However, this mindset can be detrimental to your own wellbeing, as it often evolves from a desire to genuinely help into internalising responsibility, where your ability to ‘fix’ your partner becomes closely tied to your emotional wellbeing and sense of self.

We asked Dr Sreystha Beppari, psychologist at Apollo Clinic, Nigdi, Pune, about what this ‘fixing’ approach in a relationship can do to you. She described this pattern as a codependent relationship and explained how it can harm your self-worth.

What is a codependent relationship?

You may think that this ‘I can fix them’ mindset is romantic, that it reflects loving someone despite their flaws and choosing to stand by them through thick and thin. But there's a fine line between supporting a partner and babying them, where the responsibility of taking care of them can affect you emotionally.

The psychologist helped clarify that at its core, codependency is not about caring too much, but instead about losing the balance, boundaries and even self.

“In a codependent relationship, one person often feels responsible for the other person’s emotions, problems, or happiness," she noted. "Their identity slowly becomes tied to fixing, saving, pleasing, or protecting their partner.”

Here, the individuality itself gets eclipsed, making it difficult to separate one's identity from one's partner's. The focus gradually shifts to the partner's needs, wants, and desires, until they begin to take precedence over one's own.

Soon enough, the partner's needs start to feel like your needs, severely blurring emotional boundaries. Your and their identity begin to fuse, making it a challenge to identify where your identity ends, and theirs begins. You begin to lose autonomy in the relationship as to fix him, their needs make it to the top of the pyramid.

Disadvantages of a codependent relationship

There's no space in codependent relationships. (Picture credit: Freepik)

The psychologist told us that a codependent relationship can deeply affect mental health, transcending flawed relationship dynamics. When we asked how it impacts mental wellbeing, she outlined four major repercussions.

1. Anxiety

Deep-seated worry lingers, even on a good day, as the partner who takes on the caregiver ‘I can fix him' role fears that if they do not cater to every demand or need, their partner will leave them.

The psychologist explained that they live in a state of ‘emotional hyperawareness.’ "They are always worried about their partner’s mood, behaviour, choices, or reactions. They may overthink conversations and try to prevent conflict at all costs,” she added.

2. Low self-worth

How a person sees themselves, their value and achievements can also begin to shrink as appeasing their partner starts to take up more space. When their partner's needs are fulfilled, Dr Beppari noted that they feel validated and better about themselves.

“If your partner does not need you or validate you, you may feel empty or insecure. You may start to believe that love must be earned through sacrifice,” she opined.

To keep their partner happy and comfortable in the relationship, they compromise, and it takes a toll on their self-worth.

3. Emotional burnout

Based on the aforementioned points, you are already aware that the person with ‘I can fix him’ mindset is doing the heavy lifting in the relationship. But this imbalance causes exhaustion.

Dr Beppari cautioned that when one constantly keeps supporting without getting anything in return, they feel emotionally drained and disconnected. In fact, the psychologist observed that many people are unaware of how exhausted they are in the relationship until they take a step back.

4. Loss of identity

Circling back to one of the biggest drawbacks, you may begin to lose yourself. Dr Beppari reminded, “Your hobbies, friendships, and goals may shrink. Your world becomes centred around the relationship.”

And this complete disconnect is natural, as when you have been catering to their needs for such a long time, life without that person can feel intimidating. The things you once enjoyed may no longer bring you joy.

What to do if your partner is dependent on you?

In such a situation, when you feel your partner relies on you too much and it has started to feel suffocating, Dr Beppari advised that to set a boundary, you first must recognise that your partner requires you in an unhealthy way, asking too much of you. The urge to help them may surge, but it is important to encourage independence and support your partner in developing their own coping skills, and not become their own emotional outlet. They need to have a life of their own.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.