Portland therapist explains how ‘validate my feelings’ is often misused; shares the emotionally mature way to respond

Jeff Guenther shares how one can force their partner to agree with a false narrative while trying to get their feelings validated, and how to work through it.

Standing in the middle of Valentine’s week, romance is on almost every mind. However, being with someone is rarely as effortless as mainstream movies make it out to be.

There is an emotionally mature way to validate feelings among couples, shares Jeff Guenther. (AFP)

No relationship is a stranger to conflicts. It can arise for many reasons, and almost always takes patience and communication to resolve.

In many cases, when feelings are involved, it is common for one partner to feel their experience is not being validated by the other. However, trouble arises when the feeling intertwines with an imaginary narrative that plays within a person’s head.

Taking to Instagram on January 19, Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, explained how couples can get in a fight over one trying to get their feelings validated by the other in “the wrong way.”

The wrong approach to validating feelings

According to Jeff, there is a difference between the valid feelings of an individual and the story that the person creates in the mind about their partner’s intent.

For example, one partner can feel anxious because the other is not replying to their text for hours.

“The story you are creating about that feeling might be: ‘I feel anxious when you don’t text back because that means you are losing interest, secretly mad at me, and no longer love me,’” shared Jeff.

At this point, if the other partner is asked to validate the entire story, which in itself is as confusing as the feeling, what they are actually being asked is to agree with a version of reality that might not be true.

As Jeff observed, the second partner is being set up because if they don’t validate, then the first partner feels emotionally invalidated. However, what is actually happening is that they’re trying not to confirm a story that is not true, and as a result, they are probably feeling defensive about the projection.

What's the emotionally mature way of validating feelings

The emotionally mature move when one partner is feeling anxious is to separate what they are feeling from what they are assuming, observed Jeff. The person should then express it in a way that fits the situation, ask for what they need from their partner, clearly hold a boundary or make a request.

“That sounds like: ‘When I don’t hear back for hours, I feel anxious. Can we talk about texting expectations?’” explained the therapist.

In case one finds themselves to be the partner who is being asked to validate a story that is being mistaken for a feeling, they could say something along the lines of: “I can see that you are feeling anxious, and that makes sense. I am not ignoring you or losing interest. I was just busy. Let’s figure out what would help you feel more secure without assuming intent.”

By validating the feeling and not automatically co-signing the story, both partners “stay emotionally attuned and honest” in the relationship, observed Jeff.

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