Malavika’s Mumbaistan:Tracking Nirav

“Definitely, he must have been sent out by his wife to buy milk and bread”

Now that diamantaire Nirav Modi has been arrested in London after he was recognised in a series of video clips while strolling around Oxford Street, over the past few days, there have been all kinds of speculation about what had made the newly-hirsute billionaire come out of hiding and undertake those enigmatic walks which ultimately led to his arrest.

Nirav Modi

“Definitely, he must have been sent out by his wife to buy milk and bread,” said our neighbour yesterday, while going down in the lift, adding, “Women are very forgetful that way, and she must have requested him nicely,” he said, pointing to a government-approved regulation-size grocery cloth bag under his arm.

“Sweetie, it’s so obvious! He just wanted to show off his awesome new jacket. What’s the point of owning such rare and exquisite pieces if they get hidden in one’s closet, honey,” said Mumbai’s reigning Bollywood fashionista, channelling his inner Karl Lagerfeld, in a jacket that looked like the ceiling of a dance bar in Vikhroli after a day trip to the Avenue Montaigne in Paris.

“Why did Nirav Modi risk arrest by wandering around Oxford Street? Simple,” said the city’s most successful hairstylist/tattoo artist and part-time DJ, “It was on account of his distinct new facial hair and head styling. Needs constant combing, shampooing, waxing and twirling by a dedicated professional,” he said, adding, “Definitely, Nirav Modi must have had to visit his barber, once, if not twice a day. In fact, it’s the same reason why Vijay Mallya is also often seen walking down Oxford Street. Must be going to the same barber. In their case, you could call it Mooch Ado About Nothing,” he shrieked in delight at his own wit.

“Why was he walking all over London? Ask me babes. I know. He was on his way to meet Mehul bhai at the Park Chinois on Berkeley Street. The hakka paneer and mock chicken with fried soya are to die for!!” our friend, the oolong tea-serving hostess friend croaked on the phone, meanwhile.

And so, all day it went, speculation and postulation, theory and hypotheses, conjecture and canard, on the motive behind those walkabouts that Nirav Modi, one of the most wanted men, and indicted in a ₹13,500 crore fraud and most likely to be extradited to India, had undertaken.

Politicians from varying persuasions and ideologies offered conspiracy theories. News anchors from across India flew down to London to re-trace the exact routes Nirav Modi had taken for minute-by-minute authenticity. Tour companies began drawing up plans to cash in on the prevailing ‘Modi walks’ fervour, offering guided tours of the route. The shop keepers of the establishments, meanwhile, turned in to instant celebrities, giving their own interviews to the international media about Nirav Modi and his walks, and there was general mayhem and madness as the hours passed on.

All this owing to the fact that just when he ought to have been lying low and out of sight (in the Bahamas), a man, involved in a ₹13,500 crore fraud, who owned a fleet of limousines, mansions, art works etc, and who is said to receive £20,000 salary each month, had embarked – in broad day light and in full public view – on curious little strolls around his luxury apartment, at the exact same time that authorities in at least two countries were searching for him, high and low.

Of course, the mystery will never be solved because all Nirav Modi is saying, sweetly and politely, to his interlocutors is, “No comment”.