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Cyrus Broacha’s love tip to handle Facebook complications like a boss

From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

sex and relationships Updated: Sep 24, 2015 16:46 IST
Hindustan Times

Are you having relationship troubles? Is the long distance bothering you or do you have trust issues? Are you looking for someone to talk your heart out about these problems?

Worry not. So, TV anchor, theatre personality, comedian, political satirist, columnist and author, Cyrus Broacha is here to help you: From navigating relationship trouble to helping your love life go the distance, he’s got all the dating advice you’ll ever need from your first date to something that you can’t find a solution to.

From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

I have been dating a girl for more than a month. Recently, she told me that she wanted to break up with me, as she thinks she is taking my ex-girlfriend’s place. I tried to tell her that my past means nothing to me, but that did not work. What should I do?
— AD

Your girlfriend’s thoughts defy logic. She’s obviously taking the place of your last girlfriend. That’s how the girlfriend/boyfriend basic-ness works. When you break up, the next person replaces the ex. It’s a constant cycle. Explain to her that she can’t replace, say, your T-shirt or an old belt, or your collection of Chandamama magazines. This is the role she auditioned for. On the other hand, people who want out make up the most bizarre excuses. I once said that I couldn’t attend a friend’s wedding because I had a hole in my sock. I fear that in your case, it may be the latter.

I fell in love with my colleague, and proposed to him. But he didn’t accept my proposal, and said he only considered me a friend. Everything was fine after that, until I expressed my feelings to him again. After that, he stopped interacting with me. I apologised and asked him for a last chance, but he refuses to budge. I miss him as a friend. Please help.
— JN

You are behaving like an Indian male. It’s us males whose balloon-like egos cause us to never accept rejection. He’s clearly not into you. It happens. In Masai Mara, I saw a wildebeest come on to a rhino. It didn’t work out. Now that wildebeest has to make do with just three legs. Please leave the man alone.

My girlfriend broke up with her first boyfriend because he wanted to have sex with her. Her second boyfriend also wanted to sleep with her. She agreed to have sex with him only to stop all of a sudden, as a form of revenge. Now, she says she loves me. What should be my stand?
— Sagarkp

I ask you the equation that Edward Flannigan once asked physicist Robert Browne, “What’s 1 and 2 got to do with 3?” Browne never answered the question, as he spoke only French. In your case, please disregard boys one and two. They are of no consequence. If she’d like to be intimate with you, she’ll let you know, but don’t jump her whenever you get a chance. You are not a pimple, you are a boyfriend. If you want a sexual relationship only, then she’s probably not the girl for you. But romance is about the unknown. Enjoy it, and see what follows. Now repeat after me, “I am not a boil, I’m a gentleman.”

Six months ago, I befriended a girl on Facebook. I thought our friendship wouldn’t last long. So I didn’t tell her that I was married with a kid. But then, she started getting serious about me. I, too, started falling for her. So, I told her I was leaving Facebook. Now I miss her. Should I tell her the truth?
— NN

This is why I didn’t sign up for Facebook. It leads to complications. I am not going to be your moral compass. Not because of the burden of morality, but more because I’m not good with directions. You’ve got yourself in a tangle. Now, before you dance, take stock of what’s at stake. Are you going to leave your wife? Is this girl worth it? Does she really exist? Is she really a woman? Why isn’t Facebook two separate words? These questions need to be answered. Please remember the old adage, “Facebook is subject to market risks. Please review the document carefully before filling in.”

Just write to uncle cy And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

First Published: Sep 24, 2015 16:42 IST