Your first kiss was…
Last week. It was fantastic. No, I’m kidding [laughs]. Actually, I was nine then, and the girl I kissed was 13. So I’d like to think that even at a young age, I was batting above average.
If you had to swap lives with a Khan, which one would you choose and why?
Genghis Khan. He got to rule 70 per cent of the world, which I think is definitely better than making a hit film.
Three biggest turn-offs in a girl.
a) Artificial laughter, b) Not eating. I don’t like those salad-type girls, so if you can’t eat a kathi roll, you’re not the one for me, and c) An overdose of vanity.
What would you rather have: Hrithik Roshan’s body or Louis CK’s sense of humour?
You know the amount of dieting and workout that would go into maintaining Hrithik Roshan’s body? So I’d like Hrithik’s money with Louis CK’s body and sense of humour.
Favourite TV show right now.
Game of Thrones.
Quick, tell us a joke.
Jokes cost money. You’d have to pay me for that.
If someone had to mimic you, who would it be?
Lots of young comedians are already mimicking me, which is why their careers aren’t working [laughs].
The Indian comedian who makes you the most envious.
Johnny Lever. He has a stage presence that all artists should envy.
One thing about marriage you learnt the hard way.
Keeping quiet. Stand-up comedy is the opposite of marriage because it requires me to talk constantly.
If you were on Tinder…
I would have a shirtless display picture and my bio would read ‘Swipe down’.
One thing that really offends you.
Censorship. It is oppressive. If you shut something on the Web, it will find its way in print. Take it off print and it will find a way into movies. Try censoring movies, and it will flourish through phone conversations.
The theme song of your life is…
I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman by Britney Spears.
Your strategy when a joke falls flat while doing stand-up.
Rewrite, rewrite and rewrite. Out of 500 jokes during a stand-up routine, two fall flat.
You’re working with Sunny Leone in Mastizaade. Two realisations from the first day on the set...
She’s genuinely funny and has great comic timing; no one’s seen her doing bumbling, goofy comedy. She’s also one of the few people I’ve met in the industry who is as hard working as I am.
Three actors in the industry who have great comic timing.
Farhan Akhtar, Boman Irani and Kunal Roy Kapoor.
What’s the most interesting fact about Indian history you learnt while researching your play?
When Arabs came to India we traded our young, fertile grooms in exchange for dry fruits. So it’s like, "I’ll give you my son, if you give me kaju kishmish". That’s why I keep telling the ladies that I’m still available for ‘dates’ [laughs].
Which Indian celebrity would you love to roast?
We can’t even boil noodles in this country anymore. Forget about roasting.
One thing you’d like to change about yourself.
I’m too handsome ya… and still in denial.
Something that’s on your bedside table.
A beautiful woman waiting to get in bed.
You’re currently listening to…
The rock bands, Alabama Shakes and Wolfmother.
The last line of your autobiography would read…
"He took all the money and disappeared."
From HT Brunch, July 12
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