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Dirty Linen, French Detergent

The Cannes film festival might long be over, but Tanmay Bhat still can't understand Bollywood's French affair. Here's what he has to say.

brunch Updated: May 28, 2011 15:32 IST
Tanmay Bhat
Tanmay Bhat
Hindustan Times

Ladies and gentlemen, a lot has happened in the past month. Politicians have gone to jail, Amar Singh - Bipasha Basu tapes, another politician went to jail, two major hiccups on the most wanted list sent to Pakistan, the jail is renamed as "parliament" etc. etc.

Amidst all this chaos, there was one piece of information that really grabbed the headlines by its balls - the one piece of news that got the most media attention, the one piece of news, given the attention it received, that is probably going to affect our nation's security and south Asian ties with the west. The news that begins with the infiltration of another country by a handful of people eventually led to a production of images that is not suitable for public viewing.

I am obviously talking about Aishwarya Rai walking the red carpet at Cannes.

When will Bollywood stop embarrassing itself at Cannes? The only thing I've learnt after reading years of reports from Cannes is that… if all of us paid as much attention to what we're wearing as we do with Aishwarya's outfit, we all would probably get laid a lot more often.

Oh, and it gets worse. Every year Bollywood makes it a point to officially announce at least 2 bad movies at the festival. This year Madhur Bhandarkar announced his next with Mrs. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan (a.k.a. That Chick Who Laughs Funny) titled 'Heroine'. OMG! I CANNOT WAIT! I WONDER WHAT IT'S ABOUT! ZOMGLOLROFLMAO!

Lets see now - the man has previously made a movie about the ups and downs in the corporate world…and called it 'Corporate'. He'd also made a movie about Page 3 celebrities and called it… 'Page 3'. He also made a movie about fashion models, complete with gay designer cliché's, the works, called it - OHMYGOD, WAITFORIT - Fashion. So I'm guessing 'Heroine' is about a narcoleptic elephant's journey through the Sahara. Or a story about the journey of a bollywood actress.

Haha, I kid. It's probably the elephant thing.

I know what you're thinking - why must we, as a nation, wash our dirty linen amidst the French public. But then again, it's the French. They are fans of armpit hair. If anything, 3 hours of a Madhur Bhandarkar film will be a refreshing hygienic experience.

(On a side note, a 3 hour Madhur Bhandarkar epic about a refreshing hygienic experience will probably be titled "Wet Wipes".)

Besides, what the hell do the French know about Bollywood? At best, the only Hindi phrase the French might understand is "La Ticket De".

If you thought that the embarrassment ends here, clearly you know nothing about Bollywood. Minisha Lamba had other plans.

The shockingly obscure actress was caught with 50 lakh rupees worth of jewelry. She also said that she's innocent since she also has the appropriate paperwork for the jewelry. Since she's from Delhi, I'm assuming that by 'appropriate paperwork' she means a wedding invitation card.

But then again - it would be asking for too much from a film festival to be about... films, no? I mean - so what if Madhur Bhandarkar was to make a movie about a gathering of several film makers in French town for critical appreciation of cinema... he'd have called it "Films"?

Tanmay Bhat is a 23 year old comic from Mumbai. He comes Rajnikanth pre- approved and he suffers from ADHD. You should really follow his column because - oooh look, a cat!

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First Published: May 28, 2011 15:28 IST