It was a dark and stormy night. Really, I am not being dramatic because my WiFi went out. Suffering from a strong bout of boredom and the agony of being separated from Netflix, I ventured into the unknown territory of the living room. I rested my butt on what looked like a black, furry bear (later learned it was called a couch) and saw in front of my eyes a giant, black monolith. I asked my birth-giver, “What is this funny thing, mother?” She handed me a long-ish, thin-ish device and told me to press the buttons, promising great entertainment. I did so but I wish my fingers were rather dipped in acid. Here’s what my eyes, or what remains of them, saw on that dreaded night.
Sasural Simar Ka: One woman called Simar is in Pataal Lok, fighting Patali Devi. She is in literal hell but her hair and make-up is still on fleek. When she defeats Patali Devi, she comes back to life and is now battling four female ghosts in her house.
Current brain function: 80%
A long time ago, I am told, this serial was about a woman who wanted to dance but was forcibly married off instead.
Saath Nibhana Saathiya: A woman tries to kill her daughter-in-law by locking her in a room full of white mice. Also, the mice were made in horrible CGI. Two mintues later a mother-in-law tortures her bahu by electrocuting her in another scene.
Current brain function: 60%
Wow, the world has really progressed. Remember the good old days of the regular kerosene and matches?
Yeh Kahan Aa Gaye Hum: A man is turning into a tiger and only a rudraksha bead on a string can stop his conversion. It’s supposed to be a love story, by the way, where a rockstar falls for a simpleton.
Current brain function: 40%
Other real-life rockstars must be so jealous of his talent. Imagine if the members of Queen could suddenly all turn into tigers on stage. AWESOME!
Vishkanya: A nervous blue girl is trying to hide at a party. She is supposed to be poisonous or something. At least that’s what the title of the show says.
Current brain function: 20%
Well, well, well… looks like Smurfette grew up!
Naagin: A woman can turn into a snake at will and is currently having a face-off with an icchadhari pea-hen. PS: They are also fighting over a man.
Current brain function: 0%
Get me the old-fashioned kerosene and matches. It’s time to set the remote, the TV, the couch, the house and my eyes on fire.
From HT Brunch, May 1, 2016
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First Published: Apr 30, 2016 20:22 IST