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The good things about growing old

Life would be much easier without a sex drive, writes Judy Balan.

brunch Updated: May 17, 2012 11:11 IST
Judy Balan
Judy Balan
Hindustan Times

So I walked into Health & Glow the other day to buy moisturizer and the nice sales lady handed me Pond's Age Miracle without blinking. Hell-o. I'm far, far away from anti-ageing-cream-using age, so I insisted that what I needed was moisturizer. But then, she looked at me earnestly with her big motherly eyes and said 'But ma'am, this will help you.' Oh.

This of course made me go all dark and start wondering about such things as ageing and dying alone. But then, I paused and asked myself if I really wanted to be twenty-two again and my head thundered with a loud and resounding 'No!' I mean, I know this sounds like sour grapes but I happen to think that old age is way cooler and infinitely more liberating than youth - for the average person, that is.

Take the sex drive for example. People are always obsessing about it and guarding it like the Nectar of Olympus. They've even invented medication to keep it going longer than it is naturally equipped to and there's always some headline about some eighty-year old putting himself under the blade to have his *beep* working like a twenty year old. I don't get this. mean, I can't wait to get old and be delivered from the million symptoms that come from having a sex drive - day-dreaming, obsessing, jealousy, arguments, I could go on and on. When I think about my twenties and how I threw away a whole decade on relationships and breakups, I want to wring my own neck so severely. I mean, I could have carried the blue poppy flower all the way up the mountain, trained under Ra's Al Ghul, embraced my inner Batwoman and saved Gotham City in the time I spent arguing with guys, analyzing them with girlfriends, breaking up with guys and getting over them. What a pointless waste of time! And that's not all.

The way I see it, we would all have less trouble meeting deadlines or getting to places on time if only we were spared this thing called the sex drive - the bane of youth! And let's not even get into productivity - I really think that way too much company time is being spent on checking people out (colleagues or not), flirting with them, taking long coffee breaks with them, thinking about them, sleeping with them - which could then possibly lead to - fighting with them, avoiding them and gossiping about them.

This is why if I ever run a company, I'd hire only old people - the ones who haven't gone under the blade, of course. I mean, they'd bring in the benefit of experience (minus the attitude) and old-fashioned values such as loyalty and honesty. It would be so refreshing! And I wouldn't even have to throw big office parties on exotic Langkawi type locations with unlimited supplies of alcohol to keep them happy. Tea and carrot cake would do the job just fine! There'd be no flying tempers because they'd all be old and Zen-like and I wouldn't ever have to worry about them hogging ladies' room space to discuss their relationship problems. What's not to like?

This is probably why old age is like a happy fantasy land I like to escape into - a place where destructive and often pointless feelings such asjealousy, rage and the constant need for excitement will be a thing of the past and never get in the way of productivity.

And I'd be so sorted and wise, the sales girl would want to know my secret.

Judy is a compulsive theorist and dreamy single-mum. She believes in serendipity, The Butterfly Effect and is pop-culture-crap intolerant. She is also the best-selling author of Two Fates - The Story of My Divorce

First Published: May 16, 2012 18:25 IST