How to cope with mid-life meltdowns

Many in this age group are part of the ‘sandwich generation’ where they are caring for their elderly parents on the one hand and on the other, bringing up young children. They could be dealing with grief at losing a parent or be ‘empty nesters’ who are trying reimagine life after their children have left home

A 41-year-old male client in therapy tells me, “Since the last couple of years, I have a lingering low mood, I feel dissatisfied with life, and feel that the best years of my life are over. I no longer find myself good looking as I once used to, and nor do I enjoy my work. I have a strong urge to change things and yet worry that I may end up acting impulsively. It feels as if I am in the grip of a mid-life crisis.”

How to cope with mid-life meltdowns

The client was doing well professionally, had social support and a family he loved. But he still had a gnawing anxiety about the years ahead. In my practice, I often see men and women who, in the age group of 40 to 60, struggle with this existential dilemma where they are confronting mortality, left overwhelmed with self-doubt about personal appearance and experience stagnation. This can sometimes lead to them making drastic changes. For instance, they could become compulsive about losing weight, make lifestyle changes that allow them keep their illusion of youthfulness while there are others who suddenly lean on spirituality to find answers to the dissatisfaction and anxieties they are experiencing about losing autonomy or being replaced by younger talent.

Many in this age group are part of the ‘sandwich generation’ where they are caring for their elderly parents on the one hand and on the other, bringing up young children. They could be dealing with grief at losing a parent or be ‘empty nesters’ who are trying reimagine life after their children have left home. All of these can evoke loss and a sense of massive life transitions. The term mid-life crisis was coined by the Canadian psychoanalyst Elliot Jacques in 1965. At that time, he had talked about mid-thirties as the time when people experience this crisis. Over the years, with advances in science, medical care, and increase in life expectancy the age at which people find themselves stuck in this mid-life crisis, has also changed. While there seems to be no real consensus within the therapist community about mid-life crises, in my experience as a psychotherapist, it is deserving of our attention.

I often tell clients that at this stage it’s important to learn how not to get bitter about life. This is a time of your life where you need to mindfully look back at the last two or three decades of work and personal life and acknowledge your journey, your successes, and the hurdles you may have overcome. Learning to accept the process of ageing, embracing the skills and wisdom that come with age is crucial rather than focusing on decline. This also is the time when it is important to reimagine not just work, but to also work on relationships, friendships and invest in personal growth. Our ability to slow down, pace life differently, learning to carry narratives of our ‘work identity’ lightly and investing in what nourishes, rejuvenates us can serve as an antidote to growing dissatisfaction. Our capacity to recognize what’s in our control and what’s not, and to remain hopeful about what lies ahead, is key to our wellbeing. I often remind people at this life stage who are fraught with anticipatory anxiety about what Bill Gates says, “Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do it ten years.”