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No performance anxiety

Dear Sachin, What the heck are you doing, man, playing in silly Tests against New Zealand when your skills are so badly needed in the Rajya Sabha? Manas Chakravarty writes.

columns Updated: Sep 01, 2012 22:16 IST
Manas Chakravarty
Manas Chakravarty
Hindustan Times

Dear Sachin,
What the heck are you doing, man, playing in silly Tests against New Zealand when your skills are so badly needed in the Rajya Sabha? Who watches a Test match against New Zealand these days when far more interesting and exciting matches are being played every day in Parliament?

Did you see that fantastic bouncer Arun Jaitley sent down to Chidambaram the other day? The man has been bowling brilliantly, he's even better than Ashwin. The crowd has been completely bowled over by his balls.

It was also a treat to watch Manmohan Singh play a captain's knock. Singh's only claim to fame has so far been to occupy the crease, so his shots took everybody by surprise. I guess he had no option as the Opposition was playing bodyline against him. The poor guy had ultimately to retire hurt to Iran. Singh's forte actually lies in bowling, where his Invisible Hand can deliver a mean googly.

You must come and watch the ladies play, they're a sight for sore eyes. I wonder who'll be the Woman of the Series — Sonia or Sushma. Sushma surprised us all the other day by a lovely piece of sledging, calling somebody “Mota Maal”. At this rate she'll leave Harbhajan in the cold. Talking of sledging, there have been some wonderful new words being used — coalgater, blackmailer, democracy-killer. You could try them out during the next Australia tour.

You might be under the impression that if you come to the Rajya Sabha you'll get bored to death listening to tedious speeches about the Right to Food Bill, the Land Acquisition Bill, or the hundreds of other pieces of legislation stuck there interminably. Or you might dread having to debate dreary stuff like inflation or the Assam carnage or the slowdown in the economy. Don't worry, man — all you have to do is come in to Parliament in the morning, shout a bit and then go out for the fun and games. It's a great job.

Coming back to the cricket, it's a pity Advani hasn't really been playing much. That guy's cricket is really awesome, he has the knack of making every run he takes look like a Yatra. Nitin Gadkari isn't playing either, having left for a vacation. That is terribly unfortunate — nobody can deny he is one of the BJP's heaviest hitters. Kapil Sibal is in form. He's a lot like Sourav Ganguly both in technique and enthusiasm, although one does dread the thought of his taking off his shirt after a win. But the biggest disappointment so far has been Rahul Gandhi, he's been twelfth man for far too long. They really should get someone else for carrying the drinks.

There has been some unsavoury stuff also happening, like match-fixing and ball tampering. Some of the bowlers have been accused of being chuckers. And not one of these guys plays a straight bat.

I really think you would feel in your element in Parliament and the game could get much better if you start coaching your legislative colleagues, so come back soon.
A Big Fan

Dear Sachin,
On second thoughts, I think that rather than cricket, our political leaders need to be trained in wrestling and boxing, given the nature of their jobs. So I intend to ask Sushil Kumar, Yogeshwar Dutt and Mary Kom if they could, in the national interest, come and give a few lessons to our legislators. It would improve their performance tremendously.
A Big Fan
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint. Views expressed by the author are personal.

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