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‘What me worry? Fiddlesticks!’

KPS Gill doesn’t want to hear about IHFs or butts. He sees Indian hockey’s worst day as, er, a way forward, writes Indrajit Hazra.
Hindustan Times | By Indrajit Hazra
UPDATED ON APR 02, 2008 04:30 PM IST

Kanwar Pal Singh Gill has overcome adversaries before and he intends to overcome them again. As Punjab Police Chief he kicked (not slapped) separatist bottoms in the early 90s. Now, in the role of Indian Hockey Federation Chief he intends to mysteriously brush off (not bump off) critics who, disgusted with India’s inability to qualify in the Olympics for the first time in 1980, want him to resign from his post. Gill insists that by taking the blame for Indian hockey’s abysmal situation and thus resigning would be taking the easy way out. As one wonders what the Supercop-out believes the hard way out to be, here’s a look at his week that was.

Saturday, March 8: Hmm. This problem is getting really out of hand. And these stupid liberals, with their silly notions of what is healthy and what isn’t, aren’t making things easier. Maybe it’s time for me to pick up the pieces and end this in one quick blow once and for all. [He strains to the point of turning red. There is one sound. He smiles and flushes.] Another successful operation. [Stands up to leave the toilet].

Sunday, March 9: I say old chap, what time is it now in Santiago? No, no. I’m not too bothered about our boys playing England to qualify for the Olympics. They’ll manage. And if they don’t manage, then they very well know that they’ll have to pay. Bullet for bullet, you know. But, no. I got a call yesterday from Chile. A gentleman belonging to the organisation ‘The Friends of the Late General Pinochet Wishing To Teach Silly Democrats A Lesson’ called me up and said he’ll call today, Chilean midday to give me details about making me honorary member. I think I’ll accept it. And oh, yes. Do wake me up early tomorrow about the result from Santiago, will you.

Monday, March 10: [Early morning] The soft, spineless, lily-livered, potato-munching lot! Now I have to face the music for them not making it to the Beijing Olympics! How much can I protect them? How much can I take the rap? And tell that coach of ours, Ribeiro...Carvalho...oh, whatever his name is, that he can return to India by paying his own fare.

Tuesday, March 11:

[To journalists] That’s exactly what the Khalistanis wanted in the 90s. They wanted that I step down as Punjab chief. But I didn’t and as IHF chief I will stay till I clean up this mess. In any case, Indian hockey isn’t instant coffee. It’s like me sobering up. These things take time.

Wednesday, March 12: How dare you insinuate that our boys lost because of low self-esteem and motivation! I personally slapped each and every one of the team on their bottoms — that fool, Ribeiro, Carvalho, oh whatever his name is, even asking me to tap his twice. Arey, Sher Singh, Babbar Singh! Just beat these two reporters until they see sarson in their eyes!

Thursday, March 13: Oh, that’s sad. You say that the players while returning from the airport to their individual homes in a shared auto-rickshaw were killed by identified masked men? That’s sad. But that does mean we’ll have to build up a new team from scratch, doesn’t it?

Friday, March 14: Why does the Indian Hockey Federation have to deal with hockey! Goddamn, there's a war against the Naxals to win. Come on, everyone! Grab your sticks!

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